X Mulan 2
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: COMPLETE Sequel to X Mulan! duh JOTT and Evanbashing! Rated just in case! Flames welcome! Just go read it!
1. RaRaRaRogue!

**..: Ra-Ra-Ra-Rogue:..**

The sequel has arrived! Um…yeah.

**!NOTE!** NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PARODYING OF THIS PARODY. However, I cannot say the same for mutants – especially JOTT and Evan – since I haven't finished writing this parody yet. Yeah, I just have to put this in every parody I do. I don't know why.

**About the Accents**: Rogue's, Remy's, and Pyro's. Since Kurt really did lose his accent, I'm going to drop it. It's just too much of a hassle, plus I mess up on it. Well, I mess up on everyone's, but, yeah. Oh yeah, I'm going to horribly butcher Pyro's, too, and I'm not going to be replacing his i's with oy's anymore.

Here's the full cast list:

Director – Forge (yes, again, but he barely did anything for MotC)

Mulan – Rogue

Shang – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Mushu – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Yao – Bobby Drake / Iceman

Ling – Ray Crisp / Berzerker

Chien-Po – Robbie DaCosta / Sunspot

Mei – Jubilation Lee / Jubilee (JUBBY)

Ting-Ting – Tabby Smith / Boom-Boom (TABAY)

Su – Amara Aquilla / Magma (AMARTO)

Grandmother Fa – Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Fa Zhou – Logan Howlett / Wolverine

Mother Fa – Ororo Munroe / Storm

Great Ancestor – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler

The Emperor – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Mongol Lord – Scott Summers / Cyclops

Mongol Lord's Son – Jamie Madrox / Multiple

Matchmaker – Jean Grey

Cri-Kee – Raven Darkholme / Mystique

Ancestors (?):

X-23

Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Jean Grey

Scott Summers / Cylcops

Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Evan Daniels / Spyke

Lance Alvers / Avalanche

Todd Tolensky / Toad

Fred Dukes / Blob

Road Bandits (?):

Lance Alvers / Avalanche

Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Todd Tolensky / Toad

Fred Dukes / Blob

Evan Daniels / Spyke

Little Girls (.):

X-23

Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch

Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

Tabitha Smith / Boom-Boom

Amara Aquilla / Magma

Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Jean Grey

Ororo Munroe / Storm

Danielle Moonstar / Mirage

Callisto

Torpid

Taryn Fujioka

Amanda Sefton

Risty Wilde

DISCLAIMER:

"Hey, did you know that pleather is made out of the same material as condoms? So you're basically wearing a huge condom!"

"Thanks, that makes me feel SO much better."

* * *

There was lots and lots of billowing smoke, and then Kurt's disembodied voice started talking very solemnly. "Oh, savior of China." Kurt's disembodied voice then started hacking and coughing. "Can you lay off the smoke, please?"

Logan growled, but put out his cigar, grabbing a bottle of beer instead.

Kurt's disembodied voice continued. "You have ennobled the house of Howlett. In gratitude, we honor you. All veneration to you, O Mighty…"

"Say it, mate," Pyro said. "Say my name."

"…Pyro!" Kurt said, very reluctantly.

Two spotlights landed on Pyro in all his one foot-tall glory. "Now that's what I'm talking about! Hey, how you doing up there, mate?" he called up to Kurt, who was leaning on one of the spotlights. "Thanks for the intro!" Kurt rolled his eyes.

Pyro rang a little bell. "And now I think I'd like to visit my beloved pedestal."

Todd, Scott, Lance, and Jean all grumbled. "Let's get it over with," Todd said, and they floated down to form stair steps up to Pyro's pedestal.

"Ceremonial robe of honor," Pyro ordered, holding out his arms. Kurt grudgingly put on his robe, which was orange with flames rising up it. "Ooh, if Rogue could see me now," Pyro said. Sam and Rahne stood on either side of the pedestal with the wavy fan leaf things, and Pyro started climbing the stairs, laughing like an idiot the whole time as he stepped on Fred, Todd, Lance, Jean, and Scott.

Kurt glared from where he was standing next to Pietro, who was holding one of the spotlights. "Rogue saves China **one time**," he said. "And now he thinks he's The Spyke."

"I'm climbing a stairway to heaven," Pyro said.

"Actually, it's only an equivalent of the second floor," Kurt said.

"Quiet!" Pyro snapped. "You're ruining my moment of glory! Pedestals, perks, and props! Ceremonial bath of honor!" he ordered.

Everyone shuddered, but set up a tiny bathtub for him. Pyro jumped straight out of his ceremonial robe of honor and dove into the tub. Everyone automatically flinched. "Don't worry, mates," Pyro said. "I'm wearing me ceremonial boxers of honor!" They were adorable red boxers with flames on them. "You better take a deep breath now," he said to them, "'cause I'm not leaving my pedestal for the next thousand years."

Scott, Jean, Kurt, and Evan (holding his head in one hand) all groaned. "Let the whirlpool begin!" Pyro said.

"This is disturbing on so many levels," Kurt said.

"Hey, you're not the headless one," Evan said.

Everyone ignored him.

"I said, let the whirlpool begin!" Pyro said. Scott, Jean, Kurt, and Evan all pulled out little bamboo straws and started blowing bubbles into Pyro's bath. Well, until Evan's head started choking.

"Evan, you idiot!" Scott said. "You're not supposed to breathe in!"

"How can he choke, anyway?" Kurt said while they watched Evan's head cough up soap bubbles. "He doesn't have a throat or lungs or anything!"

"Shut up," Evan rasped between soap bubbles. "I'm still The Spyke."

"In this parody, that not much of an improvement," Kurt said.

"Hey, look," Pyro said, pounding Evan on the back of his head. "If you hit him on the head, he coughs out water!"

"How is that even possible?" Kurt asked.

Pyro shrugged, but didn't stop pounding on Evan's head. "Who cares? He's a hiccupping water fountain!"

**At The Howletts' House…**

Well, technically, it was only Logan's room. And he really wasn't liking the invasion of privacy.

Kitty was doing some weird love prediction thing with sticks and coins. "According to this chart," she said to no one in particular, "I, like, put the coins here…" She looked up at Ororo, who was pacing the room. "Relax, Storm. The spirits tell me Remy will arrive and, like, propose to Rogue before the sun sets," she said.

"Really?" Ororo said skeptically.

"Yeah!" Kitty said. "Kurt, like, told me a few minutes ago. There's still time to get in on the pool!" she added, waving the betting sheet at her.

Logan choked on his beer. "Kitty!" Ororo said.

"Gambling is like playing mah-jongg with blank tiles. No one really wins," Logan said wisely. "Unless Wanda's on your team," he added, turning and bowing to Ororo, who rolled her eyes and continued pacing. Logan held out a handful of coins behind his back, and Kitty grabbed them.

"I'm enriched by your presence," she said with a giggle. "Oh, and I hope you know that Bobby, like, totally hocked a lugie into that beer," she added.

Ororo stopped pacing. "What?"

Logan got up quickly. "I think I'll, uh, go pray," he said, and ran out.

"Yeah," Kitty said. "To the toilet bowl god!"

There was a knock on the door, and Ororo opened it, looking out to see…no one. "I could've sworn someone knocked on the door," Ororo muttered to herself.

"Down here," a rather P.O.'d and all-too-familiar voice growled. Literally. Ororo looked down to see a seven year-old X-23 glaring up at here. "So Forge got to you with that de-aging ray of his, huh?" Ororo said.

"Yes," X-23 said.

"There's a re-ager too, right?" Ororo asked.

"Yes," X-23 said.

"Why do you look so worried, then?" Ororo asked.

"He's only tested them on Logan," X-23 said.

"…That was pointless," Ororo said.

"Yeah," X-23 said. "So, where's Rogue?"

"She's in the Danger Room," Ororo said.

"Yeah, training," Kitty put in with a laugh.

"…I'll go train with her!" X-23 said, running out down the hall.

Ororo laughed and closed the door. "The X-Kids all love Rogue," she said.

"And, like, why not?" Kitty said. "She's-"

**!WARNING!** THE NEXT SONG IS TOTALLY _NOT_ FROM THIS MOVIE, AND WAS CAUSED BY KITTY OVERDOSING ON PIXIE STIX AFTER MUTANTS OF THE CARIBBEAN. I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE BEFORE SHE STARTS.

ALSO, IF YOU DESPISE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MOVIE **BRING IT ON**, JUST SCROLL DOWN PAST ALL THE **_BOLD ITALICS_**.

Kitty jumped onto Logan's bed and started chanting.

_**She's sexy! She's cute!**_

_**She's popular, to boot!**_

"No, she's not!" Jean snapped.

"You're living in denial, sheila!" Pyro said.

_**She's bitchin'! Great hair!**_

_**Remy always loves to stare!**_

"SWAMP RAT!" Rogue yelled.

"Heh heh…chacon, y' can shut up now!" Remy said.

_**She's wanted! She's hot!**_

_**She's everything Jean's not!**_

"HEY!" Jean yelled.

"I totally agree," Jubes said.

_**She's pretty! She's cool!**_

_**She dominates Xavier's School!**_

"That is not true!" Jean said.

"That is **so** true," Tabby said.

_**Who is she? Just guess!**_

_**Remy wants to touch her chest!**_

"SWAMP RAT!" Rogue bellowed.

"Dat's all Kitty talkin', not Remy!" Remy said frantically.

_**She's rockin'! She smiles!**_

("Around Remy," Kitty added.)

_**Stupid Jean just thinks she's vile**_

_**She's flyin'! She jumps!**_

"Don' even **think** about that, Swamp Rat," Rogue said threateningly.

Remy already had his fingers stuck in his ears and was mumbling incoherent French words.

_**Remy can look, but he can't hump!**_

_**Whoo!**_

"And he better not if he values his life!" Kurt added.

_**She's major! She roars!**_

_**But Jean is just a whore!**_

_**She won't cheer, but she leads!**_

_**With Pixie Stix, she'll act like she's on speed!**_

_**Hate her 'cuz she's beautiful?**_

_**Well, she don't like you either!**_

_**She is Ro-ogue! She-she is Ro-ogue!**_

_**But first, Roll Call!**_

They all turned to Jean, while the New Recruit Girls lined up behind her.

**_Call me Big Red_**, Jean chanted, pushing up her boobs and winking.

**_I'm Jubile-ee!_** Jubes chanted with a whipping noise.

**_Ba-Ba-Ba-Boom-Boom, rrow!_** Tabby meowed.

**_Dude, it's Magma!_** Amara blew a kiss.

**_I'm big bad Wolfsbane, arroo!_** Rahne howled.

Bobby came running up with dark-green-and-black pom-poms.

"Oh mah…" Rogue trailed off, hiding her face in her hands.

**_Just call me Iceman!_** Bobby shouted cheerfully.

Kitty shoved him over.

_**Jean's not Big Red!**_

_**She's sizzled! She got scorched!**_

"Thank you, thank you!" Pyro said, bowing as people applauded him over what had happened to Jean at the last attemptat a barbecue.

_**And she better pass the torch!**_

_**The ballots are in!**_

Kitty grabbed a piece of paper that had been passed around the room and looked at it.

_**And one girl had to win!**_

_**She's not Miss Perky, but she's fun!**_

_**And now she's Number One!**_

_**Ki-kick it, Ro-ogue!**_

_**Ra-Ra-Ra-Ro-ogue!**_

"Is she done yet?" Rogue moaned.

"Almost," Bobby said. "This is the part in the song when Sexy Leslie and Jan-Jan the Cheerleading Man are picking Torrence up. Speaking of which…"

"Aaah!" Rogue shrieked as Sexy Robbie and Ray-Ray the Cheerleading Gay picked her up and slowly rotated her around in a circle. "PUT MEH DOWN!" They did, fearing the wrath of Rogue.

"Don't worry," Bobby said to her. "See, Kitty's about to start up again."

_**She's strong and she's loud!**_

_**She's gonna make us proud!**_

_**She's Ra-Ra-Ro-ogue!**_

_**Our captain, Ro-ogue!**_

"No, that's Scott!" Jean said.

"Oh, Slim Shades-y passed the torch," Kurt said.

**_Let's!_** **_Go! Rogue!_**

_**She is The Ro-ogue!**_

_**The Mighty, Mighty Ro-ogue!**_

_**She's so terrific!**_

_**She must be Rogue!**_

**(1)** And Kitty sat back down.

"…" Rogue was thoroughly shocked and embarrassed. "What has gotten into yah?" she demanded.

"There's, like, something in these Pixie Stix, I swear there is!" Kitty exclaimed drunkenly as she downed another one.

"Then stop eatin' them!" Rogue yelled.

"I eat them 'cuz I'm hyper, and I'm hyper 'cuz I eat them," Kitty said. **(2)**

"Hear, hear!" Jubes said, holding up a Pixie Stick as if toasting to Kitty.

"Besides, Rogue, you're supposed to be in the Danger Room with X-23!" Kitty said, squinting at Rogue.

"Bobby dragged meh here," Rogue said.

"Oh," Kitty said, nodding. "Well, get to the Danger Room!"

Rogue grabbed Remy's Bo Staff out of his trenchcoat. "Ah need this," she said.

"Y' can have Remy's staff anytime y' need it, chere," Remy said, winking suggestively.

Rogue whacked him on the face with his own Bo Staff, knocking him unconscious. Oh, and giving him a black eye, too, but it healed right away because of Divine Intervention. Then she stomped out.

"…I don't believe it," Jubes said. "Kitty just did that cheerleading chant, totally embarrassing both of them…and he flirts with her anyway!"

"He's hopeless," Sam said, shaking his head.

"Yeah, kind of like you!" Robbie said, and he, Ray, and Bobby started cracking up.

"Hey, shut up, Sexy Robbie!" Sam snapped. "And you, Ray-Ray the Cheerleading Gay. And Mr. Just-Call-Me-Iceman!"

"Hey, man, I have no problem being a cheerleader," Robbie said.

"Hate to say it, but I actually agree with him," Ray said. "You get to help girls stretch!"

"Ah thought**yah** would mind," Sam said to Robbie. "Ah mean, yah're the gay one, after all."

"HEY!"

"Sorry," Sam said quickly. "Bi."

Robbie glared at him. Sam failed to care.

"Yeah, being a cheerleader would rock," Bobby said with a dreamy look on his face. "You can look up the girls' skirts…" His eyes widened. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yeah," Sam said.

"Crap," Bobby said as Jubes, Amara, Tabby, and Rahne ran at him.

"Bobby's dead!" Kitty giggled drunkenly. She emptied another Pixie Stick down her throat and tossed it in the air…

And it turned into Remy's Bo Staff in the Danger Room as Rogue grabbed it and did cool tricks that I can't explain with it!

**Outside The Danger Room…**

Rahne, Wanda, Jubes, Tabby, Amara, Kitty, Jean, Ororo, Danielle, Callisto, Torpid, Taryn, Amanda, and Risty were all standing outside, having all received notes to come there.

"I wonder who gave us these?" Jean said.

"Well, it's on tie-dye colored stationery," Taryn said.

"…Kurt?" Jubes tried.

And then Forge popped up out of nowhere, brandishing his de-aging ray. "Say hello to my little friend!" **(3)** he said, zapping them all with it.

Ten seconds later, 14 very P.O.'d looking seven year-olds glared at him. And then X-23, who had been standing just outside the door to the Danger Room, watching, started laughing at them.

Everyone got scared. "You're…laughing?" Amara said.

"You're all seven year olds!" X-23 gasped out.

"…So are you," Jean pointed out.

"Yeah, but the looks on your faces were priceless!" X-23 nearly collapsed as she laughed, leaning against the door.

"Well, I'll see you groovy girls later," Forge said, and sped out of there. He ran back in. "It was all Bobby's idea!" he yelled, and ran off again.

X-23 stopped laughing. "Come on, let's go bother Rogue," she said, grabbing a mini Bo Staff lying next to the door and ran into the Danger Room. Everyone else grabbed a Bo Staff and followed her in.

Rogue turned around from where she was doing cool tricks with Remy's Bo Staff that I can't explain. "Aaaah!" she shrieked when she saw them. "They've all been cloned!"

"No," Forge said. "Just been zapped by my de-aging ray."

"Oh, okay, then," Rogue said. "What are y'all doin' here?" she asked them.

"We wanna be like you, Rogue," X-23 said. "So we can kill Forge later."

"Yah can' kill Forge, he's tha Director," Rogue said.

"Oh," X-23 said. "Damn."

"Well, there's always Bobby," Tabby said.

"Good point," Rogue said. "But Ah'm still learnin' myself."

"Please?" Amara whined.

"Okay, Ah guess I can show yah a few moves," Rogue said.

"Rogue's gonna show us how to kick Bobby's butt!" Tabby yelled.

"Wait, wait, wait," Rogue said. "That's lesson number two. Tha first and most important lesson is ta be gentle at tha same time we're bein' tough."

"How can you be tough **and** gentle?" Danielle asked.

"Ah know, it does sound funny," Rogue said. "But tha world is full of opposites, and so are yah. To be a good warrior, yah have to bring it all into balance."

They all gave her Huh? Looks.

"Uh, let's see if this helps," Rogue said, and started singing.

(The _hah_'s are Rogue doing punches, and the _mmah_'s are Rogue doing a sweep with the Bo Staff. They're in the song.)

_**Earth, sky, day, night**_

_**Sound and sahlence, dark and lahght**_

_**One alone is not enough**_

_**You need both together**_

_**Winter, summer, moon and sun**_

She kicked Remy's Bo Staff into the air, spun around, and caught it.

_**Lesson number one!**_

_**Lahke a rock, **hah, hah_

_**You must be hard**, hah, hah_

_**Lahke an oak**, mmah_

_**You must stand firm**, hah, hah_

_**Cut quick, like mah blade**_

_**Think fast**, hah, hah_

_**Unafraid**_

X-23 and the other girls broke into song.

_**Like a rock, **hah, hah_

_**I must be hard**, hah, hah_

_**Like an oak**, mmah_

_**I must stand firm**, hah, hah_

_**Cut quick, like my blade**_

_**Think fast**, hah, hah_

_**Unafraid!**_

"Okay, Rogue," X-23 said, brandishing her mini Bo Staff. "I'm ready!"

"But yah're still out of balance," Rogue said, tipping X-23 over with a nudge. "Yah're only halfway there." They all sat down, and Rogue started singing.

_**Lahke a cloud**_

_**Yah're soft**_

_**Lahke bamboo**_

_**Yah bend in tha wind**_

_**Creepin' slow**_

_**Yah're at peace because yah know**_

Mystique the Cricket ("Why do I always get these roles?" she demanded exasperatedly) jumped onto Taryn's head, and she freaked out. Mystique jumped onto Rogue's finger, and Taryn carefully petted her.

_**It's okay to be afraid**_

The girls started singing again.

_**Like a cloud**_

_**I am soft**_

_**Like bamboo**_

_**I bend in the wind**_

_**Creeping slow**_

_**I'm at peace because I know**_

_**It's okay to be afraid**_

Rogue started singing, and the others joined in, following her across a hill, then jumping from rock to rock in a simulated river.

_**One alone is not enough**_

_**You need both together**_

_**Winter, summer, moon and sun**_

_**Lesson number one**_

The girls all split up, signing different parts.

(_**La la **la_ – X-23, Torpid, Jean, Kitty, Risty, Jubes, Rahne, and Taryn singing)

(_La la la_ – Wanda, Tabby, Amara, Ororo, Danielle, Callisto, and Amanda singing)

(**La la la** – Rogue singing)

(**_La la la_** – everyone singing together)

_**Like a rock**, hah, hah_

_Like a cloud_

_**I must be hard**, hah, hah_

_I am soft_

_**Like an oak**, mmah_

_Like bamboo_

_**I must stand firm**, hah, hah_

_I bend in the wind_

**Yah can fly**

_**Cut quick, like my blade**_

_Creeping slow_

_**Think fast**, hah, hah_

_I'm at peace because I know_

_**Unafraid**_

_It's okay to be afraid_

All the girls started dancing in circles around Rogue.

**Yah have begun,** Rogue sang.

_**Lesson number-**_

_Lesson number-_

_**-one, lesson number**_

_-one, lesson number_

_**Lesson number one!**_

They all tossed their Bo Staffs into the air, did a flip, caught them, and landed perfectly. Forge quickly zapped them back to their normal ages. And the mini Bo Staffs mysteriously grew with them.

And Bobby came walking in, reading a note written on tie-dye colored stationery. "'Come to the Danger Room for an emergency meeting.' Who writes on tie-dye colored stationery?"

"Ahem," Jubes coughed.

Bobby finally looked up. "You do?" he asked.

Jubes rolled her eyes. "No."

"Don't gotta be sarcastic about it," Bobby said.

"I WASN'T BEING SARCASTIC!"

"Oh."

Amara welded the door to the Danger Room shut.

"Uh oh," Bobby said.

"Ladies," Rogue said, pointing Remy's Bo Staff at Bobby, "Have at him!"

* * *

**(1)** – Do ya like Kitty's version of the chant from **Bring It On**? Don't worry to anyone who hasn't seen Mulan 2, that song is NOT in it, But the scary thing is, I totally know that off the top of my head. Hey, my friend knows all the moves along with it, so don't start looking at me like that! Hm, maybe I should do a parody of that…TODDAMN PLOTBUNNIES! Okay, should I? Or should I not? I've already practically got the whole roster.

**(2)** – From **Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me**. Fat Bastard says that at the end of the movie. Well, actually, he says, "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat."

**(3)** – Hehehe…Scarface's line…in Forge's groovy lingo…

Wow, I didn't expect to be done this fast! Review, please!


	2. A Very Long Engagement

**..: A Very Long Engagement :..**

Sowwies it took me like a month to update! I actually have almost half of the parody done, I just was having a hard time finding a place to stop. And now, since FanFic's not allowing song lyrics anymore, I dunno if I can put up the next chappies with lyrics, or not. Seriously, should I keep the lyrics, or toss them?

Wow! Reviews! Thanks to **EE's Skysong**, **PyroManiac**, **enigmagirl2727**, **heartsyhawk**, **psychobunny410**, **Quing**, **simba317**, and **Sangofanatic** for reviewing!

In case any of you are wondering as to why I am parodying this parody in the X-Mansion…meh, I dunno. They'll get kicked out eventually, though, to go journey to Scott the Qui-Gong Dude and all. No, they're not going to Mongolia, Forge'll be kicking Scott out to go to the Brotherhood house (everyone's in the X-mansion, probably as permanent residents. Why? For sheer sake of convenience!)

Oh, and, um, no reference at all to the movie **A Very Long Engagement**. Never even seen the movie. Nope.

DISCLAIMER: "STOP HARASSING MY PANTS!"

* * *

Wanda, Danielle, Callisto, Torpid, Taryn, Amanda, Jean, Ororo, and Risty had all gone home after beating Bobby until he was mumbling something about The Green Fairy and Ozzy Osbourne and dancing the wango (1) – well, Jean had gone off looking for Scott and Ororo had gone to chastise Evan or something – but that was no consolation at all for Bobby. 

First, Rahne had chased around the room about ten times, tackled him, slobbered all over him, tore up his shirt, and ripped a hole in the seat of his pants, revealing his Spiderman boxers. Then Kitty, Tabby, and Rogue sat on him while X23 put a shock collar around his neck, attached it to a leash, and tied said leash to a pole in the middle of his room. He then spent the better part of an hour running in circles around the pole while Tabby, Jubes, and Amara blasted at him with their various powers, accompanied by the occasional shock from Kitty, who was holding the shock collar remote.

After that got boring, Kitty phased him through the shock collar. Then Jamie – who was up in the Control Room and going through another one of his Evil Phases, attached Bobby to a giant spinning target. And then Kurt bamfed in with seven buckets full of balloons and bamfed out.

"Is everyone out to get me?" Bobby demanded.

"Well, it would have been Evan, but he's still a hiccupping fountain," Rahne said.

"Oh," Bobby said. Then Jamie spun the target and the girls all started lobbing paint-filled balloons at him. Luckily for Bobby, they ran out of paint balloons after ten minutes. Unluckily for Bobby, none of them missed. It was a miracle he didn't throw up.

Kitty phased him out of the target and straight into a wooden box. Bobby repeatedly ran into the walls – though whether it was to try to break it or render himself unconscious, no one knew – while X23 and Rogue dumped bucketfuls of honey onto him. When Tabby finally blew up one of the walls in the box to let Bobby out, he was covered from head to toe in honey, and it was dripping onto the floor.

And then he saw that they were all wielding extremely fluffy pillows.

Rogue threw a pillow at him, which he just barely managed to catch. "On guard!" she yelled.

"What?" Bobby said, probably partially deaf due to all the paint in his ears.

And all the girls attacked him with their pillows.

Eight exploded pillows, one plastic beak, and a pair of yellow flippers later, Bobby pretty much resembled a duck. He even started pecking at the dried bits of honey on the floor, probably having acquired brain damage sometime between the 16 girls beating him with sticks, Rahne tackling him in dog form, getting shocked by the dog collar, spinning on the target, getting splattered by paint balloons, and the pillow fight.

Then Scott blasted the door to the Danger Room open. "What happened here?" he demanded.

"Bobby," Rogue said.

"Oh," Scott said.

Then Remy came strolling in all his General Remy glory.

"It's General Remy!" Tabby yelled, downing more Pixie Stix.

"…ow," Rahne winced, having being standing next to her.

"Chere," Remy began. "Remy hasn' known y' for very long, but Remy don' feel dat matters when a homme is in…" He trailed off as all the girls started laughing.

Well, except X23. "I don't get it," she said to Jubes. "What's he talking about?"

"He's…" Jubes burst out laughing.

"Is dere somewhere private we can talk?" Remy asked Rogue.

"We can go to Evan's room!" Amara exclaimed.

"Isn' dat where Evan is?" Remy asked her dubiously.

"We kick him out," Amara said. "Duh."

"Why doan y'all go search for John's secret stash of Pixie Stix?" Rogue suggested.

They all immediately stopped laughing. "John has a secret stash of Pixie Stix?" Kitty said.

"We must find it!" Rahne yelled, and immediately turned into a dog and started sniffing. All the girls followed her out.

**Later, In Logan's Room…**

John and Piotr were sitting in Logan's room, which was right across the hall from Remy, John, and Piotr's (because their luck is incredibly lousy like that, and Acolyte buddies gotta stick together!). John was grumbling about getting kicked out of his own room. It actually looked pretty cute, considering he was only twice the size of a Borrower. Kitty was sitting on Logan's bed with a box of Pixie Stix. The rest of the girls were still out searching for John's secret stash. Piotr was drawing a picture of something, glancing across the hall at Remy's room every now and then.

In Remy's room (and John and Piotr's room), Rogue was sitting on Remy's bed, and Remy was kneeling in front of her. After a few seconds, Rogue jumped off the bed with a laugh, throwing her arms around Remy.

"She, like, said yes!" Kitty exclaimed drunkenly.

Logan walked in as she just said that. He took one look at the room across from his and fainted.

"Wait," Ororo said. "She actually agreed to marry Remy?"

Kitty shrugged and downed another Pixie Stick.

**!FLASHBACK TO 2 MINUTES AGO!**

"Wait," Rogue said. "Yah and Ah have ta be **engaged**?"

"Y' haven' seen de movie, chere?" Remy asked.

"And yah have?" Rogue said.

"Remy lost a bet to Jamie," Remy said.

"What did yah bet him?"

"Dat Jamie couldn' beat Remy at DDR."

"How badly did yah lose?"

"Jamie got a AA."

"And yah got a…"

"D."

"Wow, yah must reallah suck."

"Hey, de dance pad was **really** slippery."

"Sure." Rogue groaned again. "Ah do **not** want ta be engaged to yah."

"Why?" Remy asked. "Afraid y' might like it?"

"Dream on, Swamp Rat," Rogue said. "Tha day Ah fall in love with yah is tha day that John and Piotr sing the intro and denouement to a romantic Disney song whahle ya and Ah go on a date without even noticin' they're there."

Remy opened his mouth. Unfortunately for him, Rogue wasn't done yet. "And Rahne sings tha actual song. And yah and Ah do one of those think-singin' things that drives tha Prof nuts." (2)

"Dat was…oddly specific," Remy said.

"Ah know," Rogue said. "Ahrene told me."

"So dere's still hope?" Remy asked eagerly. "Remy mean……Remy bet dat y' can' act like we're engaged for de entire parody."

"Yah just don't know when ta quit," Rogue said. "Fahne. Yah're on."

"And if Remy wins…?"

"Ah'll take yah out ta breakfast."

"Non."

"Fahne. Breakfast **and** lunch."

"Breakfast, lunch, and two dinners."

"That's four dates!"

"Oui, and it'll be de second longest relationship Remy's ever been in." (3)

"Rahhhhhhhght. But if Ah win, yah gotta give meh John's secret stash of Pixie Stix."

"Who said Remy knows where dey are?"

Rogue gave him a Look.

"Okay, so Remy **does** know. But how do y' know dat John'll be okay wit' dat?"

"Because John was tha one that got me on a sugar hahgh that one tahme."

"Oh, **dat** time."

"And yah have to give me John's secret stash of Mountain Dew, too."

"Okay."

"And…" Rogue thought for a moment. "Yah have ta dress lahke a girl for a week."

"Okay."

"And meh, Kitty, Jubes, Tabby, and whoever else Ah choose get ta pick out yahr clothes and do yahr makeup and everythin'."

Remy flinched when she mentioned Kitty's name. "Y're askin' a lot dere."

"Yah're askin' foah four dates."

"Fair enough. Deal."

"Deal."

And they formally shook on it.

**!END FLASHBACK!**

"Hey, comrade," Piotr said, showing John the picture he had been drawing.

It was a picture of a Gothic girl with white stripes in her hair and a boy with red-on-black eyes, a mini-goatee, and a haircut that looked suspiciously like Remy's kissing. The boy looked like he was kissing a spark plug. (4)

John started laughing, then started shoving Piotr out of the room (how he managed this, no one knows). "Quick!" he yelled. "To the copy machine!"

**Later, In Rogue's Room…**

"Ah'm engaged, Ah'm engaged!" Rogue yelled to no one in particular.

Pyro came running in. "What's going on?" he demanded.

"Ah'm engaged," Rogue said. "Yah should know, yah were in the room rahght across from meh."

"Oh," Pyro said. "I thought Sam was yelling 'I'm gay, I'm gay!'" (5)

"Ah am not gay!" Sam yelled.

"We know that, mate," Pyro said. "It's Sexy Robbie who is."

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Sorry," Pyro said quickly. "Bi."

Rogue looked at Pyro suspiciously. He was smiling even more than usual, and that was saying something, considering Wanda had taken away his lighter again. "What did yah do?"

"Me?" Pyro said, eyes wide. "Nothing! Nothing at all!"

**In Logan's Room…**

Logan had just recovered from seeing Remy propose to Rogue – and Rogue actually accepting. He was also happy to see that the door to his room was closed, and nearly everyone was out in the living room for some reason. He opened the door…

And practically had a stroke. Lining every single space of walls and ceiling were hundreds of copies of a certain picture of a certain Cajun and a certain Gothic girl.

Unsurprisingly, he fainted…yet again.

**Back In Rogue's Room…**

Rogue glared at Pyro. "There's somethin' else, isn' there?" she asked.

**!FLASHBACK TO A MINUTE AGO!**

"AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHA – (hack choke cough wheeze)!" Pyro choked on his own evil laughter. "Hey! What are you doing here, mate? GET OUT OF ME **FLASHBACK**!"

**!END FLASHBACK!**

Pyro burst into tears. "My little sheila's getting married!"

Rogue clapped a finger over his mouth. "Shut up, Pahro, someone will hear yah."

"I can't help it!" Pyro said. "You know, pyromaniacs are **very** emotional. It seems like just a few months ago you and I were saving China."

"It **was** a few months ago," Rogue said.

"Oh, how time flies!" Pyro exclaimed. "You know, this must be a magical moment for you, sheila."

"It's not every day Ah get engaged," Rogue said.

"No, I mean telling **me** you're engaged," Pyro said. "After all, I'm the guy who gave you and Pretty Boy the hookup. Am I a guardian, or am I a guardian?"

"Oh yah're more than that, Pyro," Rogue said. "Yah're mah most trusted friend."

"Oh, that did it!" Pyro said, bursting into tears again.

"Are yah cryin' again?" Rogue asked.

"No, I just got some exfoliating cream in me eye. Of course I'm crying, sheila! What'd you think? Oh, Rogue, I'm just so happy for me!" Pyro said, throwing his arms around Rogue's neck.

"Yah?" Rogue said.

Pyro climbed onto her head. "This wedding business is a big status boost for me!" he said. "When those ancestors look up the career ladder, all they're gonna see is me behind!"

"Ah'm so glad mah getting' married is helpin' yah out, Pahro," Rogue said.

"Alright, I get you, Miss Missy. But I'm thinking about you, too. In fact, I'm gonna plan your wedding! First I gotta work up a theme. Theme is everything. How about 'Rainbow of Memories'? Huh?"

Rogue gave him a Look.

"No, that's too Junior Prom," Pyro agreed. "I got it! The theme is 'Think Pink!' You know, pink is the new red. It's simple, it says it. Now watch my smoke! To the fabric store!" And he ran off to find Jubes.

"If he reallah does pink, Ah will murder him with mah bare hands," Rogue vowed.

"Chere?" Remy came walking in, rubbing the back of his neck. "Seems de chaton invited someone to help us celebrate de engagement."

"Really?" Rogue said, flinching. "Who?"

They both poked their heads out into the living room. "Do y' really have to ask?"

"Congratulations!" all the X-Men yelled.

Kitty passed by with a box of Pixie Stix and a six-pack of Mountain Dew. "Isn't it, like, wonderful?" she said. "Make way for the happy couple!" she yelled to the crowd.

"Now **dis** is a battlefield," Remy said.

"What's our strategy, General?" Rogue asked.

"Divide and conquer," Remy said.

**In Kurt's Room, AKA The Ancestor's Temple…**

"All right, all right, wikiwiki, me dead mates," Pyro yelled through a mini-megaphone. Wow, that's such an oxymoron. "We've got work to do, so let's move with purpose." He climbed up onto his pedestal. "I've got an important announcement: Rogue's getting married! To Remy!"

Kurt fainted. So did everyone else, out of pure shock.

"All right, wake up, I know exactly how you feel. But time's wasting, me mates. Let's move!" He looked around. "WAKE UP!"

Scott, Pietro, and Kurt, having recovered in record time, had identical evil looks on their faces. Pyro ignored them, but went rambling on. "The theme is pink! I want to see pink flowers, pink ribbons, pink bows."

"And Rogue actually agreed with this?" Kurt said.

Pyro ignored him. "I'm not talking about salmon or blush. I mean pink as a freshly slapped newborn's behind."

"How about a pink slip?" Jean said.

"Excuse me?" Pyro said, looking revolted. "No one wants to see your slip, Big Red."

"Actually, she meant this," Kurt said, handing Pyro a pink slip.

Pyro read it. "Hey, mate, this looks like a real pink slip. You know, like a 'you're fired' pink slip."

"Oh, it is," Scott said.

"What?"

Sam poked him with his pitchfork. "Tha pink slip is foah yah," he said.

"It's written," Kurt said. "Once a woman marries, her husband's ancestors take over the duty of guardianship." They all started laughing.

Except Pyro. He was looking frantic. "No, no, no. This must have a typo or something. That can't be!"

"Oh, but it is!" Scott said. "You're out of a job!"

"Out of a pedestal!" Rahne added.

"And yah're out of our hair!" Sam finished.

"Aw, no, come on, mates!" Pyro said desperately.

"The moment Rogue's married, you've got your old job back," Kurt said, grabbing Pyro by the leg. "Remember gong duty? Maybe this will ring a bell." He threw him into his old gong, sending him flying out the door.

Kurt, Scott, Jean, Sam, Rahne, and Pietro formed a conga line. "Pyro's on his way out!" they chanted.

"Aw, man, this really burns," Pyro said glumly. Then he lit up at his own pun. "Hehehe…burn! Which way's Jean's room?" He ran off, cackling madly.

**Back In The Living Room…**

Rogue was about to eat a Pixie Stick when Amara grabbed her arm. "So? Will it be a big wedding?"

"Absolutely," Rogue said.

"Absolutely not!" Remy said.

"Children?" Jubes asked with a giggle.

"As many as possible," Remy said.

"Hey!" Rogue snapped. "Yah're not tha one that'll have to go through chahldbirth! (6)Maybe one or two," she added to Jubes.

Ororo and Logan had just gotten to the living room (Ororo having to half-drag Logan there), and looked pretty shocked.

"We'll have to think about it," Remy said.

"Rahght away," Rogue said.

"Red."

"Black."

"Mild."

"How can yah say mahld?" Rogue demanded.

"It was in de script, chere."

"Oh."

"Did you hear that?" Ororo asked Logan.

"Yeah," Logan said. "Can't believe Gumbo actually said mild."

"Not that," Ororo said.

"Oh," Logan said. "Then, uh, maybe we should give our gift to them now."

And then Angel came flying in. ÜBER DRAMATIC ENTRANCE ALERT!

"General Remy, Howlett Rogue, orders from The Spyke," Angel said even more über dramatically.

"Is dere trouble?" Remy asked as Angel gave both of them scrolls.

"Yes," Angel said. "Report to the Imperial Palace."

"We'll leave at once," Remy said. Angel flew out, still über dramatically. Then Remy grabbed a Pixie Stick from Jubes and started downing it. "It must be pretty important if De Spyke wants both of us," he said.

"He knows a winnin' team when he sees one," Rogue said.

"Den why did he join de Morlocks?" Remy asked.

"Just because he knows a winnin' team doesn' mean he'll go with it," Rogue said.

"Oh."

Pyro, who was watching them with Mystique the Cri-Kee, scoffed. "Since when are they the winning team? The ink isn't even dry on me pink slip, and I'm being replaced!"

Mystique squeaked angrily at him. "Yeah, I know," Pyro said. "You're right. How could I have been so selfish? Those two clearly got it going on. Cri-Kique, I've made my decision. I gotta kiss my pedestal goodbye, 'cuz my sheila's happiness comes first!" Mystique squeaked approvingly.

Logan and Ororo walked up to them. "I thought you were gonna leave at once," Logan said.

"It's just upstairs," Rogue pointed out.

"Right…Do I really have to give them the yin-yang lesson?" Logan said.

"Aw, come on," Forge said. "It makes you sound spiritual."

"I don't do spiritual," Logan said.

Ororo rolled her eyes. "We were just admiring the mudan tree," she said to Rogue.

"We have a mudan tree?" Remy asked.

Rogue elbowed him. "Yes, it's so lovely this year."

"The blossoms reach from the sunlight above," Ororo said, "Yet, unseen, the roots reach for the rainwater below. Sun and rain, so different, yet only by working together do they create harmony and life."

"Ah know, Ororo," Rogue said. "Tha lesson of yin and yang."

"And to help you remember that lesson…" Logan said as he and Ororo took off their necklaces.

"Logan, Ororo, yoah necklaces," Rogue gasped.

"Not ours," Ororo said. "…whose are these again?"

Forge shrugged.

"Well, uh, they're yours now," Logan said, putting them on over their heads.

"They're beautiful," Rogue said.

"But you'll be surprised how heavily they can weigh," Logan said. As soon as he let go of the necklace around Remy's neck, Remy toppled to the floor neck-first. "To share the burden, you gotta work together."

"Wait a minute," Pyro said to Cri-Kique. "Old man Logan's got a point now. Rogue and Remy are as different as sun and rain. And when the infatuation wears off, their tree's gonna wind up with root rot."

Cri-Kique squeaked at him.

"Oh, sure, she seems happy, but that's the real tragedy! Me sheila don't even realize how miserable she is! That's why I gotta nip this thing in the bud."

Cri-Kique squeaked at him even more, jumping up and down.

"This is **not** about me pedestal!" Pyro said. "This is about Mulan making the biggest mistake of me – I mean, **her** life! Cri-Kique, I'm gonna break them up!"

Cri-Kique gave him a Say WHAT! Look. Then she gave him a You-have-a-hidden-motive-for-this-don't-you Look.

Pyro ignored her.

* * *

(1) – The Green Fairy and Ozzy Osbourne are from **Moulin Rouge!** See, Ozzy Osbourne was part of The Green Fairy's voice (Kylie Minogue did most of it), at the end of their drunk song where she screams. The wango is from **The Princess Diaries**. 

(2) – COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE AHEM! Just a wee bit of foreshadowing there. No, not in this parody. First I gotta do **Redneck Shrek**. I've decided not to parody **Bring It On**. I mean, it would be funny, but I've got other idearrs on my mind, and less rabid plotbunnies. But did ya get the foreshadowing? If ya didn't, go back and read it carefully. It's DISNEY! More importantly, a Disney CLASSIC! A DATE! With JOHN and PIOTR thrown into the mix! Oh yeah, and RAHNE sings cuz I feel like it! I know at least one of you knows what I'm talking about…

(3) – The whole breakfast etc. convo was from the movie **Coyote Ugly**. Another movie that I'm considering parodying. Maybe AMARTO, cuz I'm thinking about parodying **The New Guy **for JUBBY.

(4) – **X2: X-Men United**. Piotr draws a pic exactly like that, only with Bobby and Rogue. It makes me laugh every time I look at it. In fact, it's part of my desktop.

(5) – **Friends**. That TV show rocketh, I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END!

(6) – Eurgh. I still don't get why some women are willing to go through 10 or 14 childbirths. I personally don't want to go through any. It might have to do with the fact that I had to watch my aunt give birth to my cousin when I was 6. Mind scarring, I tell ya.


	3. A Girl Worth Spazzing For

**..: A Girl Worth Spazzing For :..**

I felt bad, so I'm updating again! **Simba317**, hey, you got the ref! YAY! Even though it was pretty obvious! Yep, I'm going to do **The Cajun King** after **Redneck Shrek**! With Johnny-boy as a meerkat and Piotr as a warthog! Oh, and I **was** going to have the ROMYness go smoothly (well, except for the stuff that happens in the movie), but then **heartsyhawk** left me a review asking if Rogue would go on a murderistic spree upon finding out that she would be engaged to Remy…and then a plotbunny bit me! So I'm going to let Remy suffer through the rest of this parody and **Redneck Shrek** because I ish EVIL! Pyro's hidden motive…hehehe. You'll see what it is! EVENTUALLY! **PyroManiac**, LoLz! Yeah, I'm not saying you're harassing my pants! It's actually this joke me and my friend had. See, we're both in the Dance Ensemble at my school, and for one of the pieces that I was in but she wasn't, I had to wear a pleather leotard, and she was IN LOVE with it! Seriously, she was always stroking it and stuff…when I was wearing it! Pleather may feel nice and all, but trust me, **never** wear it. Especially for a dance piece to "Start the Commotion" by the Wiseguys. It STICKS to you. Of course, my friend never really had to go through that, so she was always stroking it and stuff. I'd always yell that at her. That and, "STOP TRYING TO GET INTO MY PANTS!" It was funny; once this guy walked by us when I said that and gave us the **weirdest** look. Good times, man. LoLz.

DISCLAIMER: "That rotten monkey ate a piece of the cake! GIGOLO! Bad Gigolo!"

* * *

**In Evan's Room AKA The Imperial Palace…**

"As we stand here," Evan said. "Mongol forces are moving closer to our border. The threat of attack is growing every day. As it is, our army's hopelessly outnumbered."

"Y'r Spykesty," Remy said. "Let Remy lead Remy's forces in a pre-emptive strike. Each of Remy's warriors will fight like 10 Mongols."

"How about no," Evan said very Dr. Evil-ly. "I plan to defeat this enemy without the use of force. Instead, you will forge a union so strong the Mongol hordes won't dare attack. An alliance with the kingdom of the Brotherhood. We will be united through marriage." Rogue looked shocked. "You will escort three princesses to the Brotherhood House. There, they will wed Lord Slim's sons and seal this critical alliance."

"Yes, y'r Spykesty," Remy said.

"My advisors tell me the charts are clear," Evan continued. "If this wedding does not take place in three days, the alliance will crumble and the Mongols will destroy us." He noticed the look on Rogue's face. "I know that face, Rogue. What's up?"

"An arranged marriage?" Rogue repeated.

"Rest assured, Rogue," Evan said. "My daughters know exactly what they're doing."

"Yoah **daughters**?" Rogue gasped.

"No, not really, I can't back that up," Evan said.

"Raht, idiot, yes," Rogue said. (1)

"So, Remy, how many troops do you think you'll need to accomplish this mission?"

"T'ree," Remy said.

"Three companies?" Evan asked.

"T'ree men," Remy said.

"…Riiiiiiight," Evan said. "Um, well, you better choose your three soldiers wisely."

"Remy know just de men," Remy said. "Fearless…"

"Loyal…" Rogue said.

"And disciplined," Remy said.

"Chahna's most honorable and noble soldiers," Rogue said.

**In Jean's Room AKA The Matchmaker's House…**

Bobby (who had recovered from his torture in record time), Ray, and Robbie were all TK'dly shoved out. "And stay out!" Jean yelled. "I've found wives for hundreds of men, but the Gold Dragon of Unity himself couldn't make love matches for you three! Come back when you get personalities!"

"Well!" Ray yelled. "That's a fine way to treat China's greatest-" A jug flew at him and dunked itself onto his head. "-Heroes," Ray finished in a muffled, echoey voice.

"What's her problem?" Bobby said, getting up and dusting himself off. "All I asked for was a girl who would worship the dirt I walk on."

"I just asked for a girl who would cook for me morning, noon, and night," Robbie said.

Ray yanked the jug off his head. "I just wanted a girl who likes to laugh…and thinks I'm a god."

"Digging deep, huh?" Forge said.

"Shut up!" Ray snapped, and burst into song.

(**La la la** – Ray signing; _La la la** – **_Bobby singing; La la la – Robbie singing; if they're combined, they're singing together)

**Well, I don't need her **

**To be all smug and snooty**

_I got a plaque right here _

_That says I've kicked Brotherhood booty_

We have everything we'd dream we'd find

Since we came back from war

_**Yeah!**_

_**Everything but-**_

Rahne walked by in a kimono, holding a parasol.

Ray, Robbie, and Bobby all dropped to the ground with a sigh.

_**A girl worth fighting for!**_

"Ah **know** y'all ain' starin' at Rahne lahke that," Sam said.

"Relax," Bobby said.

_Hey! Suck in your gut!_ Bobby punched Robbie in the gut.

_**There's a girl worth fighting for!**_

"And I think she wants us to come over!" Ray added. A few feet away, X23 was making tea. Ray launched into daydream phase…again.

**My girl will laugh at all my jokes**

**But tell it to me straight**

_She'll rub my head when I get sick_

And let me pick off of her plate

If Ray can find a girl 

Who likes his chopstick nose trick

Ray walked over to X23, stuck her chopsticks up his nose, and wiggled them back and forth.

_Ooh, he really better just propose quick_

Unsurprisingly, X23 punched Ray in the face.

Ray, Bobby, and Robbie walked into the dining room. Ray started singing again.

**Well, I have to say**

**Based on today, I'm cranky**

I'll just spend my life with you two

_Pass the hanky_

**And there's no one there**

**To steal my chair**, Ray yanked a chair out from under Evan's butt.

_And twirl around the floor_

Evan tried to punch Ray in the face, but Ray ducked, causing Evan to punch Bobby instead. After Kurt, Sam, Lance, and Todd joined in for no apparent reason, it escalated into a whirling cloud of dust and flying hands and feet.

_**Wish that I had a girl worth fighting for!**_

**I would be true,** Ray poked his head briefly out of the dustcloud.

_**To a girl worth fighting**_

I'd make fondue, Rob poked his head out.

_**For a girl worth fighting**_

_I'd even kiss you_, Bobby pulled Kurt's head out of the dustcloud too. Kurt punched him.

_**For a girl worth fighting**_

Bobby, Robbie, and Ray all got shoved out of the dining room and into the hallway. They looked up to see Remy and Rogue.

**_For_**, they finished pretty weakly.

"Rogue! Remy!" they all said in unison.

Remy laughed. "If y' aren' too busy disturbin' de peace," he said. "Remy need y' to join us on a mission."

Bobby jumped up. "I'd be leaving behind a few broken hearts, but count me in!"

"Sign me up!" Ray said.

"When do we start?" Robbie asked.

"Tonight," Remy said.

**Later That Night…**

Remy, Rogue, Bobby, Robbie, and Ray all stood guard while Tabby, Amara, and Jubes got into the carriage über solemnly, with their faces behind their fans and all. Then, as Jubes climbed in, her shoe slipped off! GASP!

Of course, Bobby ran over and picked it up for her, and they looked into each others eyes and they shared a cosmic moment! Awwww! And then he helped her put her shoe back on, and she went into the carriage, and Bobby ran back over to where Robbie and Ray were standing with a dopey look on his face.

Remy walked up to the carriage. "We're about to depart, y'r Highnesses," he said. "Y' have Remy's word dat we will arrive swiftly and safely."

"My sisters and I thank you, General Remy," Tabby said.

Rogue came walking over with blankets in her arms. "Permit Remy to introduce Howlett Rogue," Remy said.

"It is a privilege to meet the hero of China," Jubes said.

"Remy leave y' in her capable hands," Remy said. "Stand ready!" he called to Bobby, Ray, and Robbie.

"Yah mahght need these," Rogue said. "It's a little chilly."

"Thanks," Tabby said.

"Yah're welcome. So," Rogue said, hopping up into the carriage. "Yah're gettin' married."

"Yeah," Jubes said.

"To princes in tha Brotherhood," Rogue said.

"That's right," Tabby said.

"Well, they must be handsome," Rogue said.

"We don't know," Amara said. "We've never met them."

"Really?" Rouge said. "So you have no idea what they're like at all?"

"It's all right, Rogue," Tabby said. "It's our honor to serve The Spyke."

"And the Middle Kingdom," Jubes added.

"The whole thing is so exciting," Amara said. "We're very happy, really."

"Well, Ah'm glad ta hear that," Rogue said. "Ah'm not sure Ah could go through with somethin' lahke-"

"Rogue!" Remy called. "Prepare to move out."

Rogue hopped down from the carriage. "Tahme to get goin'," she said, closing the door. Tabby, Jubes, and Amara all sighed sadly.

**The Next Day…**

Rogue and Remy were riding in front of the carriage, and Rogue was looking pretty pouty. Remy noticed. "What's de face?" he asked.

"What face?" Rogue said.

"Dat face," Remy said.

"There's no face," Rogue said. "This is mah face, that's all."

"Y' know Remy know y' better den dat, Rogue," Remy said. "What's wrong?"

Rogue sighed. "Ah realize our duty is to tha mission…"

"But?" Remy prompted.

"But Ah have another duty. To mah heart."

"Chere, y'r only duty is to De Spyke."

"But Remy, an arranged marriage?"

"Remy know," Remy said, "But not everyone can be as lucky as we are. In an ideal world, everyone would marry for love. But de world isn' perfect. Remy's just glad Remy's world is."

"That was so corny," Rogue said.

"It was in de script," Remy said with a shrug.

"Remy's world," Pyro ranted in Rogue's saddlebag. "Talk about selfish. You don't hear me bragging about how it's me world, even though it pretty much is. I'm telling you, Cri-Kique, the sooner I bust 'em apart, the better things will be for Rogue."

Meanwhile, Ray was telling an extremely lame joke to Bobby. Or attempting to, at least.

"And so I said, 'You just broke my best set of China!'" and Ray burst into laughter.

"That joke sucked," Forge said.

"Shut up!" Ray snapped.

Bobby wasn't paying attention to either of them. "Did you see the way she looked at me?" he said dreamily.

"You mean, with disgust?" Ray asked, and he and Robbie started laughing again.

"No!" Bobby snapped, punching Ray. "Our eyes met, and we shared a cosmic moment."

"Just like when I look at potted pig's knuckles," Robbie said. "Actually, that sounds disgusting."

"It's love, I tell ya!" Bobby yelled at Ray, who started laughing…again…

"Okay, WHO GAVE RAY PIXIE STIX?" Forge demanded.

Rahne whistled innocently. X23, standing right next to her, glared at everyone in general.

"Rahne," Forge said. "X23. What. Did. You. Do?"

"Okay, okay, it was us!" Rahne admitted. "But Ray wasn't supposed to drink it!"

"Drink what?" Forge asked. "Wait, do I even **want** to know?"

"Eh…Mountain Dew, about three dozen Pixie Stix, Cherry Coke, Tab, Prune Juice, Smirnoff Citrus Twist, Jack Daniels, some of Remy's bourbon, lemonade, Gatorade fruit punch, mango nectar, apple juice, white wine, red wine, cheese sauce, pickle juice, pepper juice, tomato mulch, Tabasco sauce, A-1 Steak Sauce, peanut oil, Soy sauce, sweet and sour sauce, Patis, white vinegar, vanilla extract, unsweetened cocoa, French coffee, milk, evaporated milk, soy milk, condensed milk, a few jalapeno peppers, Heneiken, Bud Lite, Miller Lite, Strawberry Caprisun, Sunny Delight, chicken broth, Hawaiian Punch, salt, pepper, garlic, garlic sauce, liquidated butter, chocolate frosting, Root Beer, Diet Pepsi, yogurt, Go-Gurt, carrot juice, ginger ale, Starbucks Caramel Frappucino, peaches, onions, cough syrup, Maraschino Cherry sauce, Listerine, and some Pepto Bismol," Rahne rattled off at a speed that would make Pietro jealous.

"Right, I didn't want to know," Forge said.

"So, we were going to dump it on Bobby with this trap X23 made," Rahne continued. "Only…"

"What?" Forge asked exasperatedly.

"It was in a paint bucket!" X23 yelled. "Who drinks out of a paint bucket?"

Forge glanced over to where Ray was giggling like an insomniac on speed and involuntarily spazzing every few seconds. "Apparently, Ray," Forge said.

"Hey, it looked like strawberry ice cream!" Ray said. "Although it did taste like the sweat from Robbie's socks."

"…Okay, **really** didn't need to hear that," Forge said. "And why would you know what Robbie's sock sweat tastes like?"

"Truth or Dare Night," Ray said with a giggle. "Or was it Never Have I Ever Night? Spin the Bottle Night? Dare or Double Dare Night? Twister Night?"

"Ah, Twister Night," Bobby said with a dreamy look on his face.

"Aren't you supposed to be swooning about you and Jubes sharing a cosmic moment?" Robbie asked Bobby.

Ray spazzed again. "Am I going to die?" he giggled.

"Maybe, Ray," Robbie said with complete sincerity. "Maybe."

"Okay!" Ray giggled.

"Okay," Forge said. "We need to get Ray's stomach pumped."

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" Ray yelled, jumping off the carriage and running away in no general direction, singing the Batman theme. "Na-na na-na na-na na-na BATMAN!" Of course, since he was running in no general direction, he easily ran straight into X23's fist. Seriously. All she had to do was stick it out in front of her, his face flew into it like a magnet or something.

"Okay, we gotta get the poor laddie to the h-o-s-p-i-t-a-l," Rahne said, staring at Ray worriedly.

"I can spell, Rahne!" Ray exclaimed, popping up. "And you are **not** taking me to Area 51!"

"…Riiiight," X23 said.

"We really gotta find a doctor," Jubes said.

Ray blinked very slowly.

"A d-o-c-t-o-r," Jubes said.

"I CAN SPELL, OKAY?" Ray snapped, then screamed. "CLOWNS? NOOOO! YOU KEEP ME AWAY FROM THOSE CLOWNS!"

"Well, at least it explains his English grades," Beast said.

"Hey, Ray," Bobby said. Miraculously, Ray actually stopped to listen to him. "You know, that strawberry ice cream you ate was 200 calories," he said dead seriously.

"200 CALORIES?" Ray gasped, and promptly threw up into the nearest bush.

"…What just happened?" Forge asked.

"All involuntarily spazzing insomniac-on-speed wannabes are bulimic," Bobby said. "You didn't know that?"

"Ye do?" Rahne asked.

"He **would** know useless and incredibly obscure knowledge that only comes in handy once every ten billion lifetimes," Amara said.

"But 200 calories is less than half of a typical meal," Tabby said.

"When you have eating disorders, you add an extra zero to everything," Bobby said.

"You're not really bulimic, are you?" Jubes asked Ray, who was now walking back to them sane…for the most part.

"No, throwing up is nasty," Ray said.

"You're not anorexic, are you?" Tabby asked.

"I DO NOT HAVE EATING DISORDERS!"

"D-o-c-t-o-r," Bobby said.

"CLOWNS? WHERE?" Ray gasped, looking around frantically.

"…Okay, then," Forge said. "Back to the parody!"

So Amara, Tabby, and Jubes were sitting in the carriage. Amara was staring out the window. "Wow, Bayville is so big!" Amara exclaimed. "Isn't it beautiful, Jubes?" she asked. "Jubes?" She poked Jubes with her fan.

Jubes started from where she had been staring out her window…at the back of Bobby's head. Riiiight. "Oh! Yes," she agreed. "Beautiful." She closed her window. "Did you see the way he looked at me?" she said dreamily.

"Who? Tabby asked. "The frozen ice prick?"

"Ice prick?" Jubes repeated. "How about no? He's more like a frozen Popsicle, actually." She picked up a pillow and hugged it.

"Either way, it's a sexual innuendo," Ray noted. Both girls stared at her. "What?" she said. "You try reading Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and **not** notice them!" (2)

"And you were reading Shakespeare…why?" Robbie asked.

"Mr. McCoy's punishment for my English grade," Ray mumbled sullenly.

"You didn't even talk to him," Amara said to Jubes.

"A true romantic can tell," Jubes said.

"In other words, someone who isn't you," Tabby said.

Jubilee threw her pillow at her. "He may be coarse on the outside, but on the inside…"

"He's gross?" Tabby finished.

"I mean under that," Jubes said.

"He smells?" Amara asked.

"I can see past my nose," Jubes said. "Deep down, deep, deep down, **way** down, there's something." And she went back to hugging the pillow.

Amara giggled. "Tabby, I think she's in love!"

"Oh, no," Tabby said. "There'll be none of that. Remember, Jubes, you're getting married in three days. You gave your solemn oath."

Jubes sighed. "You're right," she said.

Then Remy decided now would be a good time to water the horses.

"We're stoppin' to water tha horses," Rogue said to Tabby, Jubes, and Amara. "Would ya lahke to stretch yoah legs?"

"Are the guard fellows out there?" Jubes asked her from behind her fan.

"Oh yes," Rogue said. "Yah're perfectly safe."

"I think a leg stretch would be very nice," Jubes said, closing her fan, handing it to Tabby, and getting out of the carriage. Tabby glanced at Amara, who just giggled.

Jubes walked over to Bobby, who was setting up food on a mini table. Then he dropped a cup and crawled under the table to get it. "Thanks for helping me with my shoe," she said.

Bobby tried to get up, obviously forgetting that the table was directly beneath him. "Ow!"

"What's your name?" Jubes asked.

Bobby stood up, effectively knocking everything on the table up into the air. "Now! Dow! Cow!" he yelled as he caught the food very Peter Parker-esquely. He held out one of the plates to her. "Bao?" he offered.

"No thanks," Jubes said. "It must be exhausting guarding us day and night," she added as she righted the table and put the cup on it.

"No," Bobby said. "Well, yes," he admitted as he put the food back on the table. "But I'm strong, and marching."

"I suppose all that training does make it second nature," Jubes said.

"But I think you and princesses with…" Bobby trailed off. "Oh, I could never."

"But it is our duty and our honor," Jubes said. "Although it can be a burden. Oh, I've said too much. You're very easy to talk to, Bobby," Jubes said.

"Permit me to echo your praise, Your Highness," Bobby said. "I find your presence engaging and your conversation sparkling."

"Thanks," Jubes said, blushing.

"Okay, that was the worst flirting ever!" Ray said.

"SHUT UP!" Bobby and Jubes yelled.

Meanwhile, Amara was picking pears. "You know," she said. "I'm not the hugest fan of pears."

"Deal with it!" Forge said.

"Touchy," Amara muttered, then went to grab a pear that was just out of her reach. Of course, she couldn't reach it, and was stuck jumping up and down futilely reaching for it.

"Um…Robbie?" Forge asked after a minute. "Aren't you supposed to be helping her? Robbie? Hello-o?" He waved his hand in front of Robbie's face. It did nothing whatsoever to change the expression on Robbie's face, who had his mouth hanging wide open and was drooling. "DACOSTA!" Forge yelled right into Robbie's ear.

Robbie fell over. "What was that for?" he demanded. Forge pointed at Amara, who was still jumping for the pear, and Robbie immediately went back to his drooling stupor. Forge rolled his eyes and shoved Robbie at Amara. Then Robbie decided to show off and, instead of picking Amara up, powered up and picked up the tree instead, leaning it over so Amara could grab about a dozen pears. "Aw, my hero," she said.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Forge said.

"Ditto," Tabby said, who was watching them from behind a tree. Then Ray popped up in front of her.

"Hey! What's up?" he said. "I'm Ray."

"I'm Tabitha," Tabby said. "Badda Bing, Badda Boom!"

"Less Boom Boom," Forge said. "More cold shoulder."

They both ignored him. "Well," Ray said. "If you ever need me, just give me a bing-a-ling!"

"…Yeah, that just doesn't work with you two," Bobby said. "And…that just didn't sound right."

"Someone's been watching too many **Friends** eps," Jubes said. (3)

Bobby started crying. "I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END!" he wailed.

Jubes rolled her eyes and smacked him upside the head.

"…Ow."

Tabby, meanwhile, rolled her eyes at Ray's lame joke. "Oh, come on," Ray said. "You don't want to let your guard down! Get it? Guard…down!" he laughed, pointing at himself.

"Yep," Tabby said to Rahne. "That nasty potion of yours is still in full effect."

Ray continued. "You know, I've got some blue blood myself," he said. "In fact, many have called me a royal pain!" And he laughed some more.

Tabby ran for it.

"Tabby, look at all the fruit I picked!" Amara exclaimed as they walked back to the carriage. "Robbie got it for me."

Tabby rolled her eyes. "Just get your pomegranates into the carriage," she said, following Amara in.

Jubes paused as she saw Rogue reloading the carriage, and walked over to her. "Rogue?" she asked.

"Yeah, sugah?" Rogue said. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jubes said. "I just wanted to compliment you. You were so brave to take Logan's place in the army."

"Oh," Rogue said. "Well, thank yah."

Jubes continued. "Your duty was to stay at home, but your heart told you to break the rules. How did you decide between duty and heart?"

"Well, it wasn' easy," Rogue said. "Wait. Are yah kiddin' meh? It was a piece of cake!"

Forge coughed.

"Ah mean, but by followin' mah feelin's, Ah wound up doin' tha raht thang. Ah guess Ah learned that mah duty is to mah heart."

"My duty is to my heart," Jubes repeated. "That makes sense! That's marvelous! Thanks, Rogue!" she said, running back to the carriage.

"Yah're welcome," Rogue called. "Ah think."

**Later…**

"MUWAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHA – (cough gag wheeze)!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Pyro turned around. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. "GET OUT OF ME **LATER**!"

* * *

(1) – What is it with me and Austin Powers references? **Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me**.

(2) – Seriously, the first three pages are nothing **but** sexual innuendos. And I only recently found out that Shakespeare was bi. Seriously, he was. The "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" sonnet was written for a DUDE. And his marriage to Anne Hathaway (not the one from **The Princess Diaries**, the one in Elizabethan times!) was apparently loveless, or at least an unhappy marriage.

(3) – Oh. My. God. Hahahahahahaha! Remember Janice? Yeah, she always used to call Chandler her little bing-a-ling. Ahem.

Um…yeah. Just what **is** Pyro up to? Or am I just putting those things in to laugh at Pyro laugh? Why am I asking questions that I already know the answer to? Why aren't you reviewing?


	4. Singing, Sabotage, and All Around Stupid...

**..: Singing, Sabotage, and All-Around Stupidity :..**

Still more updating! Three chappies in one day! Well, under 24 hours, if you live 3+ hours ahead of the West Coast.

Oh. My. Rob. I am **SO **sorry, **EE's Skysong**! Okay, this is getting seriously scary. Creepy and scary. Yeah. Wow…um…wow. I SO didn't mean to do that! I did it AGAIN! Oh my gosh, this is like, what, the third time? Dude, I am SO sorry. Tagficcing it would be fun, actually! Or you could just do it, whichever. Um, you could do Anastasia, though, go ahead. Seriously, there are SO many rabid plotbunnies trying to get me parody different movies. Here's a list:

Shrek (RAHM, but I've already given in to that one)

Without a Paddle (slight ROMY, slight KIOTR, starring the Acolytes)

10 Things I Hate About You (……no clue)

Not Another Teen Movie (X-IETRO…if I'm asking for a death wish)

Coyote Ugly (AMARTO)

The New Guy (JUBBY)

Harry Potter (?)

X-Men: The Movies (Rogue will kill me)

Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events (hm, actually no shippies there)

So um…yeah. Let's tagfic The Lion King! It'll be fun! Oh, but you can The New Guy if you want. Ick…Kurt getting his dick broken…I'm laughing already. I can think up something else for a JUBBY, no worries! I GOT IT! 10 Things I Hate About You! JUBBY and JONDA! Except now I need an asshole that both of them could have dated…and Pietro's out of the question! DAMN! …Wait for it…it'll come…where's a plotbunny when you need one? HA! SCOTT! He's got the car and money backer for it!See, these things happen to me every day. Muni and ferry rides give me too much time to think up crazy idearrs.

Oh, and btw, since the only ones I've given some seriously serious thought to are Shrek, 10 Things, I Hate about You, and the X-Men Movies, feel free to pick one up and run with it! That applies to everyone!

DISCLAIMER:

"Blaine Larson is HOT!"

"Blaine Larson sounds like a 30 YEAR-OLD MAN!"

* * *

Pyro decided now was the perfect time to put "Operation: Remy" into action. He saw them fishing. Wait for it…wait for it…

"An idea!"

Rogue had just cast her line, and Remy shook his head. "Watch dis," he said. Pyro snuck up behind him and put the hook around his belt so that when he cast his line, he ended up pulling his shirt over his head and falling over into the stream. A fish popped up out of his shirt and Rogue caught it. "Nahce catch, Swamp Rat," she said, and they both laughed.

Pyro growled and clenched his little hands into fists. Then he came up with another idea and scampered off.

Remy was now saddling his horse. Pyro ran up on the other side and unbuckled the strap. When Remy got on, his saddle immediately slid so that he was now riding his horse upside down. When Rogue noticed this, she immediately did the same thing and…gave him a kiss?

Pyro fainted right then and there.

Then he recovered in record time to carry out his next prank.

Pyro stuck a handful of worms down the back of Remy's shirt. He jumped up and hopped around, hopelessly trying to get the worms out. Rogue got up to help him just in time to trip over and land on him as Remy knocked over a dead tree. They ended up laughing…again.

For the next hour or so, Rogue saw Remy run by her with a beehive on his head and the bees in hot pursuit; run away from a bear; and run away from…furry woodland creatures? Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

Later, Remy was lighting a fire for cooking a chicken when the probability of him accidentally charging the matchbox just "happened" to change to 1:1.

Rogue heard an explosion and turned around to see an ash-covered Remy plastered against the edge of the tent. He pulled himself off the tent just in time to catch the falling chicken. Rogue pulled off a drumstick and tasted it. "Mmm, tasty," she said, and the two laughed…yet again.

**Later…**

Pyro was moping. "I try and I try," he said to Cri-Kique, who was munching happily on a pea. "I put me heart and soul into busting them up and what do I get from it?"

Cri-Kique swallowed her pea and laughed at him.

"A Cri-Kique laughs in me face," Pyro finished. He banged his head repeatedly against one of the carriage's wheels. "I can't do this anymore! Great ancestors, I throw meself at your mercy!" he exclaimed, throwing himself to the ground dramatically.

Cri-Kique laughed at him some more.

"Shut up, sheila!" Pyro yelled, throwing a rock at her. Except instead he ended up totally missing and knocked loose the rock holding the carriage in place. Look, there goes the carriage! Everyone wave goodbye, now!

Oh yeah, um, Tabby, Jubes, and Amara are in the runaway carriage.

"Are we going to die?" Jubes asked.

"Maybe," Tabby said seriously. "Maybe."

"Okay, glad we cleared that up," Jubes said, and they all started screaming.

A little further down the road, Bobby, Ray, and Robbie were all drinking…tea…riiight.

"There is no way they're actually drinkin' tea," Sam said.

"Hey," Bobby said. "It's sake! It counts!"

X23 facepalmed. "You do know what sake is, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, rice wine," Robbie said.

"Why?" Ray added.

"It's **Japanese**, ye dafties!" Rahne said.

"Um, no it's not," Bobby said.

"Um, yes it is," Rahne said.

"Haven't you ever watched **Kill Bill**?" X23 asked.

"Yeah," Bobby said. "She ordered sake in Okanawa, Japa…oh."

"Idiots," X23 said.

"Please, let a cart just squish ye all now," Rahne said.

The runaway carriage came hurtling toward them.

"Carriage with their girlfriends in it, close enough," Rahne said happily.

Anyway, Ray and Bobby ended up on either side of the carriage, with Robbie stuck in front. Remy and Rogue rode up, Ray and Bobby helped Jubes, and Amara escape…and Tabby's foot went through the floor of the carriage. When they were ten feet away from the cliff. Nice. Remy and Rogue slung a rope across the front of the carriage, tied each end to their saddles, and the horses and Robbie all dug their heels into the ground, everyone screaming their lungs out.

And then went over the cliff and DIED!

Just kidding. Ray yanked Tabby out of the carriage just in time, and they all (yep, even the horses) landed in the water while the carriage shattered against the rocks.

And everyone was unhurt. "Is everyone alright?" Remy asked, just cuz he had to check.

"I saved the food!" Amara said, gathering up the fruits in the water.

Robbie surfaced underneath her and picked her up. "And I saved you," he said.

"HOW MUCH MORE CORNINESS MUST THERE BE?" Ray exclaimed.

Pyro strolled up to him with a cup of something in his hand. "Drink this, mate," he said, shoving it at Ray. "It'll make it all better, trust me."

Ray squinted at it. "Why is it smoking?" he asked.

"…Internet." (1)

"Oh, okay, that makes sense," Ray said, and downed it.

Meanwhile Bobby was struggling to swim to shore. Okay, so Jubes was carrying him. Okay, so she was in waist-deep. But the point is, it looked adorable. (2)

**Later That Night…**

Remy was laying out a map and cursing. "Merde! Dere's a mountain pass between here and de Brot'erhood. Wait," he said. "Since when was dere even a **hill** between here and de Brot'erhood?"

Rogue shrugged.

Remy continued. "It takes us t'rough bandit country, but it's de only way."

"Whah not just follow that river?" Rogue suggested, pointing a river that had also mysteriously appeared.

"Because it's not on de map," Remy said.

"It's bound to go past a town, and where there's a town, there's a road," Rogue said logically.

"Dere's no town on de map, eit'er," Remy said.

"Well, then, maybe we should just forget tha map and wing it."

"We can' wing it. We need a new plan. We have t'ree days. What if we get lost?"

"Then we pull over and ask directions," Rogue said.

"We don' need to ask directions," Remy said. "We have a map!"

"What is it with men and askin' foah directions?" Rogue asked. "And yah're startin' to sound a lot lahke Scott."

"WHAT!"

Rogue and Remy would have probably launched into a huge argument (or a fight. Either way, Remy would have lost) if Bobby hadn't popped up right then and there. "Am I interrupting something?" he asked.

"What is it, Bobby?" Remy asked.

"Scout report," Bobby said, saluting very dorkily. "I found a village and a path to it through the forest."

"A…forest path?" Remy and Rogue said in unison. They both laughed nervously.

"Great," Remy said. "Show us."

Bobby pulled back a few bushes to reveal a village. "See?" he said. "If it were Toad, he would've slimed you."

Right on cue, Todd walked by. "What are you looking at?" he demanded, and slimed Bobby in the face.

Bobby wiped the slime off his face. "See what I mean?" he said.

Rogue and Remy nodded, still rather put-out.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," Bobby said. "I'm off to chop wood with my shirt off!" And he marched off cheerfully. "Oh, by the way, Rogue, you have first watch," he added, and marched off again.

**A Few Minutes Later…**

Bobby was, indeed, chopping wood with his shirt off. He was halfway through the last one when the axe went dull. He tossed away the axe, grabbed each end, and attempted to pull the log apart.

Instead, he nearly dislocated his arms. So he iced the log and punched it into bits. (3) Jubes sighed dreamily.

"Waste of firewood," Tabby noted, determined to be cynical. Jubes glared at her.

"Excuse me," Ray said to Tabby. "I found your fan. It just needed a little drying out."

"Oh, thanks," Tabby said, taking the fan from Ray.

"Normally I would say 'I'm your biggest fan,'" Ray said, laughing nervously. "Actually, I wouldn't," he added.

Forge coughed and held up a blue lethal-looking…thing.

"I mean," Ray said quickly, "I'll just go away now…again." He walked the long way around the fire, bumping straight into one of the sticks holding the tea over the fire. "Shit! Sorry," he said quickly. "I'll, uh, I'll replace that." He walked away, muttering to himself. "Of course she doesn't like you, you're such a ding-a-ling…I AM NOT A DING-A-LING!"

Tabby stared after him. "He likes you," Jubes said.

"Um, yeah," Tabby said. "Duh."

"And you like him," Jubes added.

"Well, I…appreciate that he's a good soldier," Tabby said. "And that I can see everything through that spandex."

Jubes ignored the last comment to prevent mind-scarring. "How can you do that?" she demanded. "How can you look right at someone, realize you share a special connection, and then-"

"I know where my duty lies," Tabby interrupted Jubes.

"Then…what was up with the whole X-Men to Brotherhood to Flying Solo to X-Men Again thing?" Amara asked.

"Shut up," Tabby said.

Jubes got up and stalked into their tent. Then she poked her head out and threw her fan at Tabby's head. Too bad she missed by three feet.

**Inside The Tent…**

Jubes was just finishing writing a lame letter to Evan. "And so, oh lame Evan," she said as she wrote, "I cannot complete this mission. I have come to realize that my duty is to my heart."

"What are you doing?" Tabby demanded.

Amara read the letter. "She's running away!" she said.

"Jubes, what are you thinking?" Tabby demanded.

"I can't complete this mission," Jubes said. "I know that now."

"No, I mean, why didn't you ask me to come too?" Tabby demanded.

Forge coughed and held up the blue lethal-looking…thing again.

"Um…why, because Bobby has given you his heart?" Tabby said. "Wow, that sounded really corny."

"No!" Jubes said. "It's not about his heart. It's about mine."

"Selfish," Tabby said. "Jubes, we've discussed this. A princess must make every sacrifice for her country. It's our duty." Jubes burst into tears, and Tabby burst into song.

(**La la la** – Tabby signing; _La la la_ – Jubes singing; La la la – Amara singing; if they're combined, then they're singing together)

**The life of a princess**

**From her birth is well defined**

**She must humbly serve her country**

Amara ran over and burst into tears for no reason at all.

**Play the part she's been assigned**

**She guards the hopes of her people**

**Weak and mighty, rich and poor**

**Who could ever ask for more?**

Who could ever ask for…

**Who could ever ask for**

**More?**

Jubes burst into song.

_I wanna be like other girls_

_Climb up a tree like other girls can_

Jubes grabbed Amara, and they started jumping up and down on a mat.

_Just to be free like other girls_

_Get to be_

"Jubes! Amara!" Tabby yelled. They both ignored her.

_To slouch when I sit_

To eat a whole cake

_Feel the sun on my feet_

Get dirty

"Not like that, Bobby!" Tabby yelled. "Perv."

_Act silly_

_Be anything I want to be_

_Dance around_

In my underwear

"Actually, I would never do that," Amara said.

"Maybe you forgot about what happened on Dare or Double Dare Night," Tabby said.

"Okay, that was ONE TIME!"

"Should we tell her about what happened on Never Have I Ever Night?" Jubes muttered to Tabby.

"I think it's best that we don't," Tabby said. "She drank a **lot** of Remy's bourbon."

"It's not our fault she did a lot of things!" Jubes said.

"Yeah, well, at least she doesn't remember the things she did **that** night," Tabby pointed out.

"Thank Robbie for blackouts," Jubes said.

_To run really fast_

_Get rid of this fan!_ Jubes yanked away Tabby's fan.

To eat a whole cake

_Get crazy_

With frosting!

_No escorts_

No manners

_No nursemaids_

_No worries_

_No hands folded perfect_

_Like holding a lily_

**No…living with Spyke?** Tabby tried. They all laughed and started singing together.

_**I wanna be like other girls**_

_**Scrape up my knee like other girls can**_

_**Just to be free like other girls**_

_**Get to be**_

Robbie, who had been walking outside with firewood, stopped and listened outside their tent.

_To speak for myself_

To sing way off-key

**Marry someone I've met**

_**Who loves me for me**_

**No escorts**

**No manners**

_**No nursemaids**_

_**No worries**_

_**No hands folded perfect**_

_**Like holding a lily**_

_**No living with Spyke!**_

_**I wanna be like other girls**_

_**Climb up a tree like other girls can**_

_**Just to be free like other girls**_

_**Get to be!**_

And they all collapsed on the mat giggling.

Robbie stopped listening. "Oh," he said with a huge grin on his face, and tiptoed off.

**Later That Night…**

Pyro snuck into Remy's tent to mess with his head.

"Okay, THAT JUST SOUNDS WRONG!" Ray yelled.

"Shut up, Shakespeare," Forge said.

"She defied you," Pyro whispered to Remy, who was snoring. "She insulted you. Man, she laughed at your map!"

"Remy's map," Remy mumbled sleepily.

"And if she's laughing to your face," Pyro continued, "Then imagine what's she saying behind your back!"

"Remy's back," Remy mumbled.

"She's a loose cannon," Pyro said. "She's out of control! I mean, who's in charge here, mate? You or Rogue? Rogue. Rogue!" And he scurried out of the tent.

Remy shot up. "Rogue!" Then he fell back asleep with a snore.

Outside, Pyro was fixing up four ugly straw life-size puppets. One looked like Rogue, and the other looked like Tabby, Jubes, and Amara…more or less. Then he ran and set them up in front of Remy's tent.

"General Remy?" he said, imitating Rogue's voice. "General Hardhead, that's what they should call him. "Everythang's gotta have a strategy."

Remy opened one eye. "Chere?"

Pyro went on. "He woan even brush his teeth without a backup plan."

"Remy know y're talkin' 'bout Scooter dere," Remy said.

**At The Brotherhood House…**

Lord Slim aKa Scott had finally finished throwing a hissy fit over being kicked out of his own house and into the now-abandoned Brotherhood's and had decided to brush his teeth. He started up the stairs.

"Wait," he said. "Is my toothbrush and toothpaste up there?"

"Yeah," he answered himself. "I unpacked the toiletries first." He started up the stairs again.

"Wait." He stopped again. "What if the bristles break?"

He fished around in his pockets and pulled out a portable toothbrush, bristles intact. "Okay, I'm good."

He took one step and stopped. "Is there enough toothpaste left?"

He pulled his portable toothpaste, tube still unopened. "Okay, okay, so that's good."

"Wait! What if the water gets shut off while I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth?"

He ran down to the fridge and yanked out a bottle of Snapple Iced Tea.

"Okay, I've got everything," he said determinedly, and walked up the stairs like a hero walking into battle.

**Back…Wherever They Are…**

"Ah blame mahself," Pyro said, still imitating Rogue. "Ah fell foah those broad shoulders. Ah didn' realize there wasn' much sittin' on top of them. Oh, except foah that nasty breath. Ah know he loves spahcy food, but can' he brush his teeth every now and then? That mate sure can peel paint!" Pyro clapped a hand over his mouth, realizing he had said the last sentence in his regular Aussie accent. He sped off with the puppets.

Remy ran out of his tent, wearing only black boxers with cards on them.

"Verrrry nice," Tabby said, taking a few dozen pictures.

Remy seemed not to notice her. "Where is she?" he demanded, stalking off to find Rogue.

She was on first watch, just like Bobby said she was. "Rogue!" Remy yelled.

Rogue was in a relatively good mood. "What's tha matter, sugah?"

"General Hardhead? Brushin' Remy's teeth?" Remy demanded.

Rogue was confused. "Are yah…talkin' about Scott?" she asked.

"Remy heard y', Rogue," Remy said. "Every single word." He suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Every word of what?" Rogue asked.

"Remy saw y' outside his tent!" Remy said.

"What?" Rogue said. "Ah haven' left mah post."

"And Remy supposed y' weren' gossipin' about Remy wit' de NR filles," Remy said.

"…Whah are you coverin' yoah mouth?" Rogue said.

"Remy wouldn' want to peel y'r paint!" Remy snapped, stalking away.

"…Wow," Rogue said. "Nevah though Ah'd see tha day."

"Changing of the guard," Bobby said, walking up to Rogue. "Aw, man! Why do I keep just missing these things? What's with him?" he asked Rogue, jerking a thumb at Remy's retreating back.

Rogue growled very Logan-esquely and stalked off in the opposite direction.

"What's with her?" Bobby asked. "Who am I talking to?"

**In Rogue's Tent…**

"How could he not believe meh?" Rogue demanded to Pyro.

"I dunno, sheila," Pyro said. "But I do know this. Without trust, there can be no relationship. That's why Wanda always takes all me lighters away whenever we go camping," he added.

"Yah doan go campin'," Rogue pointed out.

"…Well, if we did, she would," Pyro said cheerfully. "But the point is, me old mate doesn't seem to trust you."

"Maybe he was just confused," Rogue said.

"Oh, please," Pyro said. "You fussed about the arranged marriage. You fought about which way to the Brotherhood. Now you're feuding over nothing!"

Rogue sighed. "Yah're raht," she said. "Wait. Pahro's raht?"

Forge shrugged.

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Pahro, Ah doan know what ta do."

"I do!" Pyro said cheerfully. "Set his boxers on fire!" He thought for a moment. "Actually, that would reveal **way** too much of him."

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.

"I mean," Pyro said. "Drop him like a hot pot sticker. Mmmm, pot stickers…where was I? Oh yeah! Let me burn his letters! And you can dance around the fire screaming, 'Happy days are here again!'"

"Fahre obsession aside, yah **do** have a point," Rogue said. "If this is tha real Remy LeBeau, Ah doan lahke what Ah'm seein'."

* * *

(1) – **Fairly Odd Parents**.

(2) – My friend's little cousin actually considers that swimming. Making paddling motions while a swim instructor is holding you in waist-deep water. Oh yeah. That's swimming.

(3) – À la **Retreat**. Ya know, with the gun.

Oh, and with the whole Blaine Larson thing (in the Disclaimer), Blaine Larson is a 19 year-old country singer, and he sounds 30+ when he sings. Scary, I tell ya.

Oh no! Pyro's ruining Rogue and Remy's fake engagement! Is **this** his evil plan? Or is it something else? Review, please!


	5. Amore A La Disney

**..: Amore À la Disney :..**

Thanks to **EE's Skysong**, **sunspotmisery**, **PyroManiac**, **Swamp Rat's Chere**, **psychobunny410**, **Catfan900**, and **simba317** for reviewing! **PyroManiac**, the purpose of the blue-lethal looking…thing shall be revealed in due time. Which means, I have no clue when. **Swamp Rat's Chere**, hm, Miss Congeniality…hm…STAY BACK, RABID PLOTBUNNIES! **Psychobunny410,****EE's Skysong** and I are gonna tagfic it! Teehee. Sowwies about the script stuff (stupid FanFic…grr…). Yeah, it's in the X-Mansion…cuz I feel like it. But they're kicked out now. And the idea for Scott and the brushing his teeth came to me when I was watching **Dodgeball**. Cuz in the beginning when LaFleur gets his water shut off, he brushes his teeth with Snapple. I was all, "EW!" **Simba317**, ANGSTY? WHAT? Pleez. I can't do angsty. Not unless it's prewritten for me, and even then, I'll have someone pop in with a snide comment. Yeah. I know, the Emperor's über old! But like, I dunno, maybe he had some fun with his royal concubines or something. Euch. Dude, I actually forgot that ending of the movie, seriously. My bad, man! As for Pyro's ulterior motives…that is for me to know and you to not! Actually, I'll probably reveal it at the end of this ficcie, when the bet's over. Dude, I know! The whole thing with Tabby/Ting Ting and Ray/Ling. It bugged me so much! I saw the movie, and I was like, "Shit." But Tabby is working on her acting skills. Yeah. **10 Things I Hate About You** will actually be a JONDA and JUBBY, with a little a little bit of TABAY. Cuz I've done enough ROMYs, and**EE's Skysong** and I are going to be doing The Cajun King, too, anyway. Plus I need to do a JONDA, and they fit! Pyro's crazy to be Patrick, and Wanda's…scary…enough to be Kat. Oh, and it's JUBBY cuz…I felt like torturing Bobby, I guess. And TABAY cuz I've already started the Shakespeare thing, so why not manipulate it? Plus, it'd be funny to watch Scott draw a dick on Ray's face. Ooh! But help me come up with a title! Seriously, I need a title.

DISCLAIMER: "That's a STUNT! With a BOY!"

* * *

Bobby, Robbie, and Ray were marching around outside…until Tabby, Jubes, and Amara walked out. "I hope the sake's still warm," Jubes said. Amara coughed pointedly. "Oh, right."

"What?" Ray yelled. "That's sake?"

Tabby nodded solemnly.

Ray started to run through the bush, then stopped and remembered The Plan. "After you," he said to Bobby.

"No, after you," Bobby said to Robbie.

"No, after you," Robbie said to Bobby.

"After you," Ray said to Bobby.

"I said, 'After you,'" Bobby said to both of them.

"Actually," Forge said, "Ray and Robbie said 'after you' to Bobby more than anyone said 'after you' to Ray or Robbie."

"…What does that mean?" Bobby asked.

Robbie picked Bobby up easily (despite the fact that the sun had gone down hours ago) and hurled him through the bush.

Bobby popped up. "You son of a-"

"Bobby!" Jubes yelled. "I don't want Jamie learning any more words from you!"

"I didn't teach him those words!" Bobby said.

Jamie came walking up to them. "Ray," he asked. "Do you really throw bones at cats?"

"What?" Ray said.

"Well, cuz Bobby said once that you were just a horny prick obsessed with furburgers and boning pussies," Jamie said. "…Does that mean you like eating moldy hamburgers? Wait," he said. "Maybe he might have been talking about Evan…" He walked away, still confused.

There was a pause. Then –

"BOBBY!"

Bobby was then scorched by Jubes and Tabby, burned by Amara, nearly had his arm torn off by Rahne, tossed into a mini twister and zapped by lightning by Storm, received a severe ass-kicking from Kitty in stilettos (1), hexed repeatedly into the ground headfirst by Wanda, severely shocked by Ray, and zapped by Rogue. He also would have been sliced-n-diced by X23, but considering Jubes didn't want to actually kill her boyfriend (or maim him for life, or disable him from having children), she didn't. Jean probably would have used her TK/TP on him, if it weren't for the fact that she was making out with Scott at the BoM. (2)

However, he was healed by Divine Intervention, only because they were in the middle of a scene.

"You see," Bobby said, spitting out a few teeth (that immediately regrew) and embarking on a ridiculously extravagant lie, "Robbie here has always had a dream."

"A dream?" Amara asked.

"A dream?" Robbie asked dubiously.

"A dream," Bobby repeated solemnly.

"But I don't-" Bobby punched him in the stomach. "Ow! …Oh, **that** dream."

"A dream of seeing a small village in the middle of nowhere by the moonlight," Bobby said.

"How can we help?" Amara asked eagerly.

"Well," Bobby said, "If Your Highnesses would consent to come with us to the village, we could still guard you, and Chien-Po could have his dream.

"My one chance to be like other guys," Robbie said dramatically.

"You know," Ray said, "**You** get that chance just about every time the sun sets."

Robbie punched him.

"Let's go!" Tabby said.

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.

"I mean, sounds like fun," Tabby said quickly in a monotone voice.

**Back In Rogue's Tent…**

"Ah nevah noticed we were so different," Rogue ranted. "It's lahke Ah doan even know him."

Pyro, who was getting pretty bored, noticed the NRs (minus Rahne, Sam, and Jamie, because they're not in this parody – well, Jamie's not till later) sneaking off. "Well," he said. "Whaddya know about that?"

Rogue didn't even notice. "Ah mean, Ah know he's 'bah tha book' – Wait. Am Ah talkin' about Remy or Scott?"

"Just go with it," Forge said.

Rogue sighed, but continued. "But doesn' tha man ever bend a rule?"

"And, speaking of bending rules," Pyro said.

"Yah know," Rogue said, "Relationships are easy when everything runs nahce and smooth…yeah, and healthy relationships nevah are."

"It's Disney," Forge said. "According to them, true love comes at first sight, it's based entirely on outward appearances, and no two women wear the same size shoe."

"Good point," Rogue said.

"Oh, by the way," Pyro said. "The unimportant-X-Kids-reserved-for-lame-cameos just ran out of camp."

"WHAT!" Rogue demanded.

"Say, did you know that almonds, rice, and milk are part of a complete breakfast?" Pyro asked.

"Pahro…" Rogue said warningly. "…What do yah mean, lame cameos?"

"They only have a few eps in which they really shine," Pyro explained patiently.

Rogue still looked confused.

Pyro sighed and began a list. "Bobby: **Retreat** and **Under Lock and Key**. Although the latter is just as a tribute to the original X-Men team. Jubes: Uh…**Joyride**…sort of. And somewhat **Mindbender**. Robbie: **Retreat**. Maybe **Ascension Part II**. Amara: **Walk On The Wild Side**, **Day of Reckoning Part I**, **Cruise Control**. Okay, so she has three. Ray: **Day of Recovery**, **X-Treme Measures**, and that huge power-up in **Ascension Part II**. With the even huger meltdown. And the first two are only because of his ex-affiliation with the Morlocks. Although, come to think of it, if he hadn't, then there would be no New Recruits, considering Bobby'd be made part of the team. Tabby: **Badda Bing Badda Boom**, **Walk On The Wild Side**, **Day of Reckoning Part I**, **Cruise Control**, and somewhat **Ascension Part II**. She actually has the most," Pyro added thoughtfully.

"What's yahr point?" Rogue asked.

"I'm just trying to tell you the NRs went AWOL," Pyro said.

"They're together?" Rogue said. "Together together?"

"…Yeah."

Rogue ran out of the tent and off down the road.

"Hey, what about Remy?" Pyro asked.

"Ah think Ah bettah handle this one on mah own," Rogue said. "He's on a short fuse as it is. Just make sure nothin' wakes him up."

"You can count on me," Pyro said.

**Ten Seconds Later…**

Pyro was walking up and down Remy's unconscious body wearing a bell hat and three different sized cymbals, and blowing a whistle.

And Remy still hadn't woken up.

So Pyro walked right up to his head and clashed the two biggest cymbals right next to his ear.

Hey! He actually woke up! And ran out of his tent with his bo staff drawn! "Hey!" he said. "Where are de guards?" Then he gasped. "De NR filles!" He ran into their tent…and tripped over a jar that happened to have Jubes's lame letter in it. He picked up the letter. "M' duty is to m' heart?" he read. He ran over to Rogue's tent. Yep! Empty! "Rogue," he said.

Someone's P.O.'d!

**At That Village…**

The NRs were walking around with stunned expressions on their faces. Well, the girls were, anyway. "Wow!" Amara said. "Look at all the food!"

That happened to be exactly what Robbie was thinking. He walked right up to the nearest stall and started sniffing the food.

Rahne, the shopkeeper, glanced at him oddly. "Do ye mind, laddie?" she said.

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.

"I mean, we just got in some excellent ginger," Rahne said quickly. (3)

Robbie sniffed the ginger. "Ginger goes well with dumplings," he said.

"Did you say dumplings?" Amara asked, holding out a packet of dumplings.

"How about some fresh ginseng?" Rahne said, holding out a platter of ginseng.

"That makes a wonderful accompaniment to soybeans," Robbie said. He sniffed. "…I miss Soy!" (4)

Amara took a step back. "Um…want some soybeans?" she asked, offering him some soybeans.

"…That works, too," Robbie said cheerfully, and ate a soybean.

Then they started making out.

"Oh, come on!" Sam said. "This is a kids' movie!"

"Yeah, but the fic's rated T," Rahne pointed out. She sniffed warily at a soybean. "Since when were these things aphrodisiacs?"

"Maybe it was the whole thing with Soy," Jubes said. "What with the _'I'm que va a abrir la lata de a de WHOOP ASS!'_ and being the only two people besides Rogue and Renee noticing Ray dying and cockroach roundup and getting shitfaced drunk and passing out and Soy freaking out (not like he could notice, being unconscious) and then Soy passing out and using up all the aspirin and not giving any to Soy and throwing ice at him and watching Soy get catapulted across the room from a Bastille Day Cannon – Vive la revolution! Et la vie de bohem! (5) – and then attacking the Bastille Day Guy." Jubes thought for a moment. "Actually, Renee was a lot more fun."

"Renee wore nothing but a Speedo," Bobby said.

"And you noticed?" Jubes demanded, shocked.

"It's kinda hard **not** to notice when there's a French guy who looks a helluva lot like Remy with abs nicer than Robbie's!" (6) Bobby said. "Wow, that sounded gay."

"You've been hanging around JP too much," Jubes said. "He's really rubbed off on you."

"That does NOT sound right!" Ray yelled.

"SHUT UP, SHAKESPEARE!" Jubes yelled back.

"He actually is quite a perv," Tabby noted, her nose buried in Romeo and Juliet. "Honestly. How many people call their **sword** a naked weapon?"

"…Riiiiiight," Rahne and Sam said, both very confused. (7) "But what does Soy have to do with soy**beans** being an aphrodisiac?" Rahne asked.

Jubes shrugged. "Maybe Robbie was secretly in love with Soy."

Robbie paused in making out with Amara. "I am as straight as Bobby, thank you very much!"

"…So you're as crooked as a lightning bolt?" Jubes asked.

Robbie stared at her. "Isn't he **your** boyfriend?"

"He's also a homophobe," Jubes pointed out. "And you know the theory behind homophobes…well, some of them, anyway."

"Well, then…I'm as straight as Sam!"

"No, there are actually some Sam/Robbie fics out there," Jubes said.

Sam and Robbie both shuddered. "The point is," Robbie said, "I'M NOT GAY!"

"Jeez, don't gotta overreact," Jubes said, grabbing Bobby and walking off.

**JUBBY…**

Bobby and Jubes were walking by a wrestling match, where Todd had just finished beating up Paul.

Pietro held up Todd's hand. "Who will be next to challenge the undefeated Todd Tolensky?" he called out. "…Okay, 'undefeated' and 'Todd Tolensky' do NOT belong together in a sentence!" (8)

"Ooh!" Jubes said, obviously interested. Bobby noticed.

"Step aside!" Bobby yelled, shoving aside all the other challengers lined up.

"Oh no," Jubes said. Todd jumped at Bobby and squashed him flat.

"Okay, that's just pathetic," Jubes said.

And then Bobby picked Todd up and threw him into a horse trough.

"He only beat Todd," Jubes said.

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing.

"My hero," Jubes said dryly.

"I'll win you a panda bear," Bobby offered.

Jubes thought for a moment. "Acceptable," she said.

And he actually **did** win Jubes a panda bear! Guess playing Mutantball really paid off.

**TABAY…**

Tabby and Ray were at a firecracker stall, and Ray was trying – yet again – to tell her a joke. "Okay, how about this one," he said. "What does Attila say when he walks through the door? 'Hun, I'm home!'" And he started cracking up again.

"I am going to **kill** John for whatever he gave Ray," Tabby said.

No you can't, I still need to do a JONDA!

Tabby glared.

I'll include some TABAY. (9)

"Fine," Tabby said.

Ray had finally noticed that Tabby wasn't laughing. "I give up," he said. "I'M NOT THE FUNNY TYPE!"

Then four fireflies settled on a string of firecrackers right next to him. And they set off the firecrackers. Ray did a funny little spazz dance as they blew up next to his head.

And that was the last straw for Tabby. She started laughing at him. And snorting.

"Um…" Ray said. "Nice laugh."

"It's called **acting**, Ray," Tabby said.

"Oh," Ray said. "I thought you were just some weird person with no sense of humor."

"No sense of humor?" Tabby demanded. She walked over to the firecracker stall and did the Chopstick Nose Trick.

"Hey!" Ray said. "That's **my** Chopstick Nose Trick."

"Yeah, but it's cuter when a girl does it," Tabby said.

"…Fair enough."

**Aw, How Romantic…**

The NRs were standing on a bridge, staring at the moon. For some reason, Pyro was rowing by in full Italian Boat-Rowing Dude regalia (10), singing. "Wheeeeeen theeeee moon's in the sky like a big pizza pie that's AMOREEEEEE!"

For their sanity, the NRs were ignoring him.

"It's so beautiful," Jubes said.

"Yeah," Bobby agreed.

"It's the same moon we see from the mansion," Tabby said.

"No, this one's entirely different," Amara said.

"Amara, that's because you're looking at a lily pad," Robbie said.

Tabby slapped him upside the head. "Way to kill the moment!" she snapped.

"Ah agree."

The NRs gasped and whirled around to see…Rogue! GASP!

"Oh, shit!" Ray said.

"Ah'm listenin'," Rogue said.

"Rogue, it's love!" Jubes exclaimed. "Me and Bobby, Amara and Robbie-"

"And me and Ray-Ray Bear!" Tabby said. "I mean, Ray."

Ray flinched. "Please don't call me that," he said.

"Don't call you Ray?" Tabby asked. "Okay, Ray-Ray."

Rogue glared at them.

For ten whole seconds.

"Ah give up," she said. "It's a Disney movie, let's pretend this could actually work out." And they all had a BIG GROUP HUG AWWW.

Well, until Remy came stalking up to them, looking very P.O.'d.

"Oh, shit," Bobby, Ray, and Robbie all said in unison.

"Remy's so sorry to break up y'r little party," Remy said.

"Remy, befoah yah jump ta conclusions, let meh explain," Rogue said.

"Fine!" Remy said, pulling out Jubes's lame letter. "Why don' we start wit' dis?"

Jubes gasped. "That's mine!"

"All yours," Remy said, "Or did y' have help? 'And so, oh lame Evan, I cannot complete dis mission. I have come to realize dat m' duty is to m' heart.' Now, who does dat sound like?"

Bobby thought for a moment. "Actually, it sounds like Remy," he said. "Only in first person."

"Well, right now Remy's got to act like Scooter," Remy said with a scowl.

"People are going to start thinking you're a long-lost Summers," Tabby said, shaking her head.

**The Next Day…**

Everyone was pretty much in a bad mood. Remy was insulted over the long-lost Summers comment, Tabby was disappointed in Remy acting like such a Scooter, Amara was still slightly unnerved about Robbie's little Soy outburst, Jubes was mad that Remy had to read the lame letter out loud, Robbie was a little out of it from sniffing all that food, Ray was trying to figure out a way to get Tabby to stop calling him Ray-Ray, Bobby was still very bruised and battered from the ass-kicking he had gotten, and Rogue was mad at Disney in general.

So Pyro was the only one in a good mood. Well, he typically is always in a good mood. Having a short attention span and an obsession with fire would keep most people in a good mood, anyway.

But that seemed to put Remy in an even worse move, and he banned Bobby, Ray, and Robbie from talking to Tabby, Jubes, and Amara, and vice-versa.

Then Ray came up with an incredibly lame idea, probably due to having ingested Rahne and X23's special potion, Pyro's special potion, reading Shakespeare, and undergoing a brief stint of hyperactive bulimia. "I sure wish we could talk to the girls, Bobby," he said in an unnecessarily loud voice.

"We can't, remember?" Bobby said.

"Yeah," Ray said, still in a REALLY loud voice. "But if I **could** talk to them, do you know what I'd say?"

Bobby finally caught on. "No, Ray," he said in an equally obnoxiously loud voice. "What would you say if only you could?"

"I'd tell Tabby that she's the prettiest, funniest, most extraordinary girl I've ever met," Ray yelled.

"Under different circumstances, I might have been slightly flattered," Tabby said.

"I would tell Amara that she is like fresh ginger on the rice bowl of my life," Robbie yelled, squinting at a piece of paper he was reading off. "How is rice anything like life?"

"Your line, not mine," Bobby said unconcernedly. "And I would tell Jubes that she's one right babe."

"You guys really need to work on how to compliment a girl," Jubes said.

"IT'S DISNEY!" all three boys yelled.

"Good point," Amara said. "I mean, the only movie where the girl actually asked if there was anything else he liked about her besides her looks was **The Swan Princess**."

"Yeah, but she still fell madly in love with him despite the fact that he totally dissed her," Tabby said.

"Her best friend was a frog!" Jubes said. "With Cinderella, it's mice. With Sleeping Beauty, it's furry woodland creatures and fairies who can't cook. With Snow White, it's midgets."

"Dwarves," Amara put in.

"Whatever," Jubes said. "The point is, all Disney movies are hopeless. Except maybe **Pirates of the Caribbean**. But the sequels are gonna kill it."

"Amen, sister," Kitty said.

Meanwhile, Remy had just fallen neckfirst off his horse. "Stupid heavy necklace," he muttered. "…It's tryin' to tell Remy somet'in', isn' it?"

Rogue was equally mopey, and Pyro was trying to cheer her up. "Would you like a little pick-me-up, sheila?" he asked, offering her a Chinese to-go box.

"Logan said, 'Differences can make yah strongah,'" she said. "He didn' realahze that Remy and Ah are just too different."

Pyro laughed nervously. "Well, you know you always have me," he said. "The old team, right?"

Rogue smiled sadly. "Yah're always lookin' out foah meh, Pahro," she said.

"Well, I'm just doing the best I can," Pyro said with another nervous laugh.

"Reallah," Rogue said. "Ah just doan know what Ah'd do without yah. Yah're tha best friend Ah've evah had."

Pyro snapped.

"I can't take it any more!" he yelled. "The only thing wrong with you and Remy is me!" he wailed pitifully. "I'm the one that got between you."

"What are yah talkin' about?" Rogue asked. "It's not lahke yah made tha carriage go inta tha river."

"Now, that one was an accident," Pyro admitted. "Following several attempts at 'on purpose.'"

"And it wasn' yah outsahde Remy's tent," Rogue said.

Pyro gulped. "You know me," he said. "Slip of the tongue…"

"And yah woke him up after Ah left?" Rogue demanded.

"It wasn't easy, either!" Pyro said. "That bloke can **sleep**!"

"Pahro, what did yah do?" Rogue yelled.

"Well," Pyro said. "I was banging pots and pans-"

"No," Rogue interrupted. "What did yah do?"

"You were getting married!" Pyro wailed. "Everything was going to change! I was going to lose you! And me pedestal!"

"Yah mean yah got between Remy and meh so yah could keep yoah job?" Rogue said, stunned.

"I'm sorry!" Pyro said.

"What yah did was unforgivable," Rogue said.

"But…but you and Remy are so different," Pyro said.

"Wait a second," Rogue said. "Not as different as Ah thought. All those problems, they weren' us. They were yah! Ah've got to go talk ta Remy and tell him Ah love him."

"I'll make it up to you, sheila," Pyro said. "I promise."

"Foahget it," Rogue said. "Yah've helped enough. Remy!" she called as she rode up to him. He turned around…

And an arrow slammed into the rock right in front of his face.

…Nice.

* * *

(1) – In case you don't know what stilettos are, they're high heels with über thin heels, and I imagine getting kicked with one of those would hurt like crap. They're also painful to walk in, although I've never been stupid enough to wear them to a place where you'd have to be standing/running around for four hours straight. My friend, however, was.

(2) – What is up with me and Bobby torture? (shrugs) Oh well. It's fun! And all the girls beat him up because this is Jamie we're talking about! So cute and adorable! Um, everyone knows what horny, prick, furburgers, pussy, and boning pussies means, right?

(3) – I did not know that was Michelle Kwan until I saw the featurette. I mean, I was wondering what the HECK was up with the whoosing noise and the spin she did, but I didn't know it was her! I know, I know, I'm slow.

(4) – **The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die!** by **EE's Skysong**. Funny insanity, I tell ya! Oh, and Soy is this dude in there that speaks only Spanish. Only Robbie the Über-lingual can understand him. Poor Soy.

(5) – Long live the revolution! And the bohemian life! The last sentence is from **Moulin Rouge! **and it's one of my favvie quotes.

(6) – I dunno if Renee the Sexy Poolboy has abs nicer than Robbie, but, considering he's a poolboy, he probably does. And seriously, Robbie has a friggin six pack or something!

(7) – Rahne and Sam (and Amara) were off on a Spider Quest to regain dancing rights to the Chihuahua Song from Forge, who had sold it to Bob the Mexican. I think they're looking for Bob the Mexican right now. I wouldn't know, **EE's Skysong** hasn't updated that one in a while…(hint hint)

(8) – I had to pick someone that Bobby could beat.

(9) – Yeah, I'm going to parody **10 Things I Hate About You**. Now, before I go any further, am I accidentally stealing anyone's idea? If not, it'll be a JONDA and a JUBBY, with Wanda as Kat, Jubes as Bianca, John as Patrick, and Bobby as Cameron. Oh, and Tabby as Kat's Shakespeare-obsessed friend Mandella and Ray as Bernard! Okay, so his name's really Michael, but the dude who plays him was Bernard in The Santa Clause 1 & 2. Yeah, when I first saw his pic I was like, "DUDE!"

(10) – Yeah, I dunno the name for that, but you know; the red-and-white striped shirt, the flat boat hat, the black pants, and the boats that they stand in and row with a long pole. Yeah.

Ooh, a cliffie! You know, I actually had this done last weekend, I just didn't realize it. Yes, I know, I'm stupid. Sowwies! Review, please!


	6. Remy Pulls An Aragorn

**..: Remy Pulls An Aragorn :..**

Thanks to **heartsyhawk**, **psychobunny410**, **Pyromaniac**, **EE's Skysong**, **simba317**, and **Cat2fat900** for reviewing!

This is the last chappie! Yes, already. Well, except for the post-parody chappie, and read the AN down at the end for info on that. Sowwies it took me so long to update, but I've been sick! I still am, actually, and have no time to go to the doctor. Plus finals are this week…eugh. Ah, well, THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

DISCLAIMER:

"Do you know what sophomore means? A Wise Fool. Do you really want to be that?"

"Well, it's better than being a Man who is Fresh!"

* * *

So an arrow slammed right in front of Remy's face. "_Sacre bleu!_" he yelled.

"It's an ambush!" Rogue yelled.

"No kidding!" Bobby yelled back.

"What's with all the yelling?" Robbie yelled.

"We happen to like yelling, thank you very much!" Jubes screamed.

"Actually, that was a scream!" Ray yelled.

"Way to kill the yelling, Jubes!" Tabby yelled.

"If it's dead, then why are we still yelling?" Amara yelled.

Everyone shrugged.

Then Lance, Pietro, Todd, Fred, Evan, Pyro (who had taken a quick break from playing Mushu), and Sam came sliding down on ropes. "Whah do Ah have ta be a bandit?" Sam demanded.

"Because Bobby would attempt to kill any other guy who carried off Jubes," Forge said. "Keyword: attempt."

"Oh."

In the midst of that conversation, ROMY and the NRs got going while the going was good.

Lance rolled his eyes. "You two," he said to Sam and Pyro, "Get the gold!"

Sam glanced apprehensively at Pyro. "But Ah doan-"

Forge coughed and held up his blue lethal-looking…thing. "Goin'," Sam squeaked, and ran after Pyro. Then Lance went after Rogue while Fred and Evan went after Remy.

Needless to say, the fight was over pretty quickly. But Fred probably would've squashed Remy if Evan hadn't nearly shot a spike up his left nostril on accident.

In the meantime, Sam and Pyro had caught up with Jubes, and Sam was trying to yank off Jubes's bracelet. "Ah'm **really** sorry 'bout this," Sam said to Jubes.

"No problem," Jubes said.

Sam gave another hopeless yank at Jubes's bracelet. "It woan come off!" he said.

"It's got a retardedly complicated clasp," Jubes said.

"Eh, just take the whole thing, mate," Pyro said.

"What?"

Todd and Pietro came running up to them…only to be body-slammed by Robbie and Ray. Then Lance, Bobby, and Remy joined in, and it turned into one ugly catfight.

Tabby, Amara, and Rogue stood off to one side. "Men," Rogue said with a scoff.

"You said it, sistah," Tabby said, filing her nails.

Jubes was equally annoyed. Unfortunately for her, she was stuck in the middle of it. "Hey," she said to Sam, who had just dodged getting elbowed in the face by Remy. "D'you think you could get us out of here?"

"Sure," Sam said, grabbing her around the waist and cannonballing off.

"Hey, wait up!" Pyro yelled, grabbing Sam's ankle. "I want out too!"

Unfortunately for Evan, Sam ended up accidentally slamming him into a wall. Everyone else wisely threw themselves to either side as Sam, Jubes, and Pyro flew through the canyon, Pyro screaming his head off.

Rogue joined Remy in staring after them. "…What just happened?" Remy asked.

Rogue shrugged. "…Shit," she said.

"What?"

"Well, last tahme Ah checked, Sam doesn' know how ta stop with a screamin' pahromaniac attached to his ankle."

"…Dat could be a problem," Remy said.

"Yah think?" Rogue demanded, and they both ran off after the trio.

Amazingly enough, Sam had managed to stop. Well, if you count stopping by grabbing the rope on one of the sides of the bridges, getting yanked forward like a slingshot, and landing facefirst on the bridge. Oh, and knocking out a few planks with his head. Jubes landed on top of Sam. Pyro went flying and landed on the other end of the bridge.

"Y'all okay?" Rogue asked as she and Remy ran out onto the bridge.

"That was fun!" Jubes said, standing up quickly and stumbling. "Wow…shouldn't have stood up fast…"

"Uh…can yah please get off meh?" Sam asked. Jubes realized she was standing on his back and quickly jumped off.

Pyro, who was safely on the other end of the bridge, was inspecting a loop of…something. "Where did this come from?" he asked himself.

Jubes's hand jumped to her left ear. "HEY!" she yelled. "Gimme my earring!"

"Aw, but I wanna see if it's flammable!" Pyro said.

"GIVE IT!"

"NO!"

Jubes got mad and flung a spark thingie at him. However, due to the fact that she was still rather dizzy, she missed by a foot and instead hit one side of the bridge.

The rope supporting that side burned into nonexistence.

"Oops," Jubes said.

Sam freaked and cannonballed out of there, accidentally taking Jubes with him (she had been leaning on him, since she was still dizzy). Likewise, he accidentally left Rogue and Remy behind as the bridge went completely vertical.

Luckily, Rogue managed to grab Remy's wrist and a dangling rope…the only rope that happened to be frayed, and still fraying. "Aw, shit!" Rogue yelled. "Remy, hang on!"

"It won' hold us bot'!" Remy yelled back up at her.

"Yes, it will!" Rogue said.

Another strand of the rope broke.

"Chere," Remy said. "I'm sorry."

"Holy shit, he used first person," Bobby said.

And Remy let go.

"REMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Rogue yelled as Remy fell down and disappeared into the mist. "Way to pull an Aragorn, asshole."

"Pulling an Aragorn?" Amara asked skeptically.

"Pulling an Aragorn: creating a dramatic death, i.e. falling off a cliff, and miraculously discovered alive later," Forge said. "In this case, Remy practically reenacted it. Only Aragorn tumbled off a cliff with a Warg, and Remy dropped off a bridge. But both came out of a river and were rescued by their horses."

"…Riiiiight," Amara said. "What's a Warg?"

"A creepy bearish-wolfish-ishish hybrid that exists in Middle Earth," Tabby said.

"Ohhhhh," Amara said. "…Middle Earth?"

"That place in the one movie with the people with the fetish about a ring," Bobby explained.

"The one with Daveigh Chase?" Amara asked.

"No, that was Lilo & Stitch," (1) Ray said. "The one with the sexy blond elf archer prince. Okay, that sounded gay."

"Oh, you mean the one that Remy sobbed over because the hot guy from the fat pastry House (2) got killed?" Amara said.

"No, that was HPatGoF," John put in helpfully. "And it's still a book."

"Remy had too much eyedrops in his eyes!" Remy yelled. "And it's gon' be a movie soon." (3)

"Aren't you supposed to be pulling an Aragorn?" Forge asked.

"Right," Remy said, and jumped off the bridge again.

"Well," Rogue said cheerfully. "Now that tha Swamp Rat's gone, Ah'm a go marry a complete stranger." And she walked off in the general direction of the Brotherhood house.

The NRs stared. "…What just happened?" Bobby asked.

"I think we're off the hook," Robbie said.

"_¡Excelente, mi amigo!_" Ray yelled. "Break out the tequila!"

"Actually, Remy took the tequila with him," Jubes said.

"_¡Híbrido!_" (4)

"Relax, we've still got rum," Jubes said.

"No, Logan took that after Remy stole his stash," Amara said.

"BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?" (5) Bobby yelled.

**At Some Random Shallow Riverbank…**

John went strolling down to some random shallow riverbank when suddenly… "ME REMY SENSES ARE TINGLING!"

"Are you sure it's not just the bug up your nose?" Forge asked. (6)

Pyro sneezed out said bug and sniffled. "No, wait, it was just the bug." Then he noticed Unconscious!Remy halfway out of the river. "Hey, it's Remy! I wonder what's going on in his head right now…"

**What's Going On In Remy's Head Right Now…**

Remy was in an elevator, and it was falling, falling, falling…

Until it landed with a crash in BOURBON LAND!

Yes, Bourbon Land. And several insert-semi-big-number-here feet away, in the top of a tower thingie, was Rogue! In a white dress! A white dress that was several sizes too small in certain…ahem…places! "Remy!" she yelled very Damsel In Distress-esquely.

"Chere!" Remy gasped. Little bottles of bourbon with huge cartoon eyes gathered behind him.

"Come to meh, Remy!" Rogue yelled, still very DID-esquely.

Remy started running, the little bourbon bottles bouncing along behind him. "Remy's comin'!"

"Come to meh, Remy!" Rogue yelled. "_Papi_, Ah need yah!"

Remy stopped. "Did she just say _Papi_?" he asked himself. He shrugged and kept running. "Chere, Remy's a-comin'!"

Then Scott jumped out in front of him. "Not so fast, pretty boy!" he said.

Ray walked in in a grass skirt, coconut bra, and one of those fruit hats. "Okay, that sounded gay," he said.

"Like y' can talk?" Remy said.

Ray glanced down at himself, screamed like a Pietro, and ran away.

A bazooka materialized on Remy's shoulder. He glanced at it, shrugged, and fired at Scott.

And a leopard-print G-string flew out of it and hit Scott right on the chest. Scott grabbed his chest dramatically and fell over.

"Lance's underwear!" he yelled. "My only weakness! How did you know?"

Remy glance from Scott to the bazooka to Scott again. Then he threw the bazooka as far away as he could. It just HAPPENED to clonk Scott on the head and knock him out…preferably with a concussion.

"Ahem!" Rogue snapped, tapping her foot impatiently. "Ah'm a pop outta this dress anah second!"

"Remy wouldn' mind seein' dat," Remy said as he miraculously appeared next to her.

"SWAMP RAT!" Rogue slapped him. The scene froze mid-slap and turned into a movie poster. Only in the movie Rogue tackled Remy and made out with the side of his cheek like there was no tomorrow.

**Back To Reality…**

Remy woke up to see Pyro making out with the side of his cheek like there was no tomorrow. "WHAT DE HELL ARE Y' DOIN'?" he demanded, scrambling away.

"You've been out cold for the past half an hour, mate," Pyro said. "I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up." (6)

Remy stared at him oddly for a while, as if trying to gauge just how crazy he was. Then he ran away like there was no tomorrow.

**At The Brotherhood House…**

"What do you mean, they are gone?" Scott asked Rogue.

"There was an accident, Lord Slim," Rogue said. "The royal carriage fell inta a rivah and was destroyed."

Scott shrugged. "Well, they were only New Recruits," he said. "But a marriage was promised!"

"And a marriage there will be," Rogue said. "Ah would be honored to wed a prince of tha Brotherhood."

"Uh…sure," Scott said. "You'll make a fine wife for my eldest son, Prince Jamie."

A gong crashed, and Robbie and Ray the Unimportant Guard Dudes stepped aside to reveal Jamie playing with a finger trap. "WHAT?" he demanded. "I have to marry HER? She's so OLD!"

"Watch it, mister," Rogue said.

"Sorry," Jamie squeaked.

**A Few Feet Outside The Brotherhood House…**

The NRs stared up at the BoM House. "Rogue said she was going to complete the mission," Bobby said.

"But how can she without us?" Jubes asked.

"By takin' y'r place," Remy said.

The NRs all gasped and whirled around.

"Remy's alive!" Ray yelled.

"And he pulled an Aragorn!" Robbie added.

"Rogue was right," Remy said. "No one should marry someone dey don' love. Remy's goin' in."

"We'll come with!" Jubes said.

"Remy don' t'ink so," Remy said, and ditched them before they could say another word.

"Aww, we never get to go!" Bobby whined.

Everyone else was already running after Remy.

"Hey, wait up!" Bobby yelled, running to catch up.

**In Wanda's Room AKA…Some Place…**

Rogue was sadly tying her hair up in a bun. "Looks lahke we woan be a team after all, Pahro," she said.

Pyro had gone doe-eyed and looked ready to cry. "Sheila, I'd give up a thousand pedestals to stop this."

Jamie popped his head in. "DITTO!" he yelled.

"Get out!" Rogue snapped.

"Sorry!" Jamie said meekly, and popped his head back out.

"Ah doubt even tha Golden Dragon of Unity could stop this now," Rogue said. Then she picked up that weird, ugly crown-hat thingie, put it on her head, and walked over to where Jamie and Scott were standing. Jamie was still playing with his finger trap.

Scott held up his two goblets and started his Really Lame Speech. "My people," he said, "The Golden Dragon of Unity, who guides us in all we do, today sanctifies a union that will be a blessing for all of the Brotherhood."

Lance, Pietro, Todd, and Fred, who had been forced to listen to Scott, were either sleeping, brain-dead, passed out, or taking the opportunity to eat all the food.

Scott tied a sash around the two goblets that Rogue and Jamie were holing. "With the tying of this sash," he said, "We shall unite not only two lives but two…mutant teams."

Then a playing card went flying through the air and just barely missed Scott's face! It did slam into the wall behind him and explode, though.

The Brotherhood woke up, spun around, and gasped. "It's REMY!" they yelled.

Up where they were sitting on the Really Big Gold Golden Dragon Of Unity Statue Idol Thing (aka RBGGDOUSIT), Pyro and Cri-Kique jumped up and down excitedly. "Remy to the rescue!" Pyro exclaimed. "Which is a good thing, 'cuz I was about to whip Lord Slim's butt."

Remy came running up to Rogue, and she…slapped him. On the face. "Whah'd yah go and pull an Aragorn?" she demanded.

"Ow," Remy winced. "_Desolé_."

Scott ran between them. "This is outrageous!" he yelled. "You will leave at once!"

"Remy's not goin' anywhere," Remy said.

"What are yah doin'?" Rogue muttered to Remy.

"Remy don' know, he's wingin' it," Remy muttered back.

"How dare you trample upon this sacred ceremony?" Scott yelled.

Remy glanced at the Brotherhood, who had fallen back asleep. "Y' call dis sacred?" he asked.

Scott rolled his eyes. Not that anyone could really tell.

"Lord Slim," Remy said. "Remy loves Rogue, and if she'll have him, Remy'll marry her right here. Right now."

"Insolent subordinate!" Scott yelled. "Seize him!" he ordered Robbie and Ray the Unimportant Guard Dudes, who very half-heartedly did so. Scott himself was stupid enough to try to grab Rogue. She elbowed him in the nose.

Then Pyro, who had climbed up into the RBGGDOUSIT's mouth, sent down a huge flame right between all of them. "Hey!" he yelled. "What's up with all the drama?"

Scott and the Brotherhood (who had woken up again when the NRs not-so-sneakily snuck in) gasped. "The Golden Dragon of Unity!" Scott said. "He lives!" And he flung himself onto the ground in full-out worship. So did the Brotherhood. The NRs stared at them for a full minute before catching on.

"Damn right I live!" Pyro said. "So you better drop your constipated ass down and tell me why we aren't starting on the vows already!"

"But, your Greatness," Scott said. "General Remy isn't a member of the Brotherhood."

"Neither's Jamie," Pyro pointed out.

"Well, Todd and Rogue are too close in age," Scott said.

"Good point," Pyro said. "Nonetheless…SILENCE!" He sent out another flame. Scott shrieked like a Pietro and ran to hide behind Remy and Rogue.

Pyro continued. "I am the Golden Dragon of Unity, and I decide whom to unify! My all-seeing eye has peered into the very heart of Bayville, and I've never seen two people more right for one another than this Southern couple here. Except JOTT," he added. "But that's only because they don't deserve anyone else." He coughed. "Now I command you to proceed at once!"

Scott flung himself down again. "Yes, your Greatness!"

"Now, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!" Pyro said.

"Dat's Remy's song!" Remy snapped.

"Shut up!" Pyro snapped back. "Now, Rogue, do you love Remy? Of course you do. Remy, do you love Rogue? Well, no duh, that's practically the only word in your diary. By the power vested in me, by me, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife! You got anything to say, Lord Slim?" Pyro asked, sending another flame at him.

Scott shrieked like a Pietro. "Yes! I mean no! I mean, whatever you say."

Everyone cheered. The NRs coughed pointedly.

"Huh?" Pyro asked. "Oh, right! And furthermore, I hereby decree that the princesses of the New Recruits…in this parody, anyway, no offense to Rahne whatsoever…wherever they may be, are released from their vow and may marry whom-so-ever they please."

All the respective shippies kissed, Jubes set off some fireworks, the Brotherhood cheered, Scott got his fingers imprisoned in Jamie's finger trap, Jamie laughed insanely and started calling him Uncle Fester (8), Pietro started calling Jamie Pubert, Lance called Fred Pugsley, Todd noticed Wanda had showed up and called her Wednesday, Scott called Todd Joel, Wanda hexed him repeatedly against the RBGGDOUSIT, you know, same old, same old.

**Back at the X-Mansion…**

Jubes, having ingested too many Pixie Stix, was still letting off tons of fireworks. Partially because of her hyperness, and partially because it bugged Scott, since all he could see was red.

**In Kurt's Room AKA The Ancestor's Temple…**

Pyro was sad. Why? Not because he was going to lose his job. Nope. Kurt was going to take away his (GASP) lighter! "I can't believe I'm going to be back on wake-up duty," he said to Cri-Kique. "Without a lighter! Well, at least Rogue's happy. And if she's happy, I'm happy."

Then Remy and Rogue came walking in. "Remy," Rogue asked. "What are yah doin'?"

"Watch and see," Remy said.

Kurt, who was now watching, gasped. "Aw, man! He's combining the family temples!"

"What does that mean?" Pyro asked.

"It means you get to keep your pedestal," Kurt said.

Pyro blinked.

"And your job," Kurt added.

Pyro blinked again.

"And…your lighter," Kurt mumbled.

"YES!" Pyro jumped off the ledge, did a nice little quadruple flip midair, and landed on the ground.

Right in front of Remy and Rogue. "So dis is de infamous Pyro?" Remy asked Rogue.

"Yep," Rogue nodded.

"Somehow Remy pictured y'…bigger," Remy said to Pyro.

"What?" Pyro said to Rogue. "You told him about me? About us?"

Rogue laughed. "Ah have no secrets from my…husband, Pahro," she said. "Ah told him everythang."

Pyro gulped. "Everything?" he repeated.

"Dat's right," Remy said, "Great Golden Dragon of Unity." He mock bowed.

"Ah still doan get it," Rogue said. "What does combining our temples do?"

"It gives me back me lighter!" Pyro exclaimed. "And me pedestal," he added.

Jubes came swaggering with a box of Pixie Stix. "_Vive la revolution!_" she said, and shot off more fireworks into the room across the hall.

Which just happened to be Scott's room.

The ceiling fell in.

"Oops."

The End!

* * *

(1) – Actually, it was The Ring. But Daveigh Chase was also in Lilo & Stitch.

(2) – I dunno why, but the name Hufflepuff puts me in mind of a fat pastry.

(3) – I saw the trailer! The movie comes out in November, and the dragon and merpeople are NOT BALD! YAY! (claps hand ecstatically) Oh, and Cedric doesn't look that hot. But it's okay. And I didn't see Draco at all! I wanted to see what his hair looked like. And why must the actors pick NOW to grow out their hair? Harry looks ugly. Ron looks…meh. Hermione looks same old, same old.

(4) – _No hablo español_, but according to Babelfish, that means Bastard!

(5) – If you don't know where this quote is from, go hide in a hole. Now.

(6) – That happened to me in the 3rd grade. It was one of the nastier experiences in my life.

(7) – Yeah, the whole Bourbon Land and Pyro licking his face was from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. I LUVERZ that movie!

(8) – The Addams Family. Well, Joel's from Addams Family Values.

Yesh, this is the end! But wait, there's more! The end of the bet (Rogue won, big surprise) and the revelation of PYRO'S SECRET PLOT! It'll be up…SOME TIME!

Yeah, cuz Friday is my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! Until AUGUST! WOOT! Me very happy. Oh, and give me idearrs for Remy's Fashion Week! I need outfits planned by Kitty, Tabby, Jubes, John, The Rogue Herself, and two other people of your choice. Well, two other people, or two of them can do outfits twice. Give me idearrs, people!


	7. Fun With Flashbacks and Fashion Shows

**..: Fun With Flashbacks and Fashion Shows :..**

Aw, the parody's almost over! Well, the movie's over, I just have to finish up The Bet, and reveal PYRO'S SECRET PLOT! But first, reviews! Thanks to **psychobunny410**, **Quing**, **simba317**, **enigmagirl2727**, **EE's Skysong**, **PyroManaic**, and **heartsyhawk** for reviewing! **Enigmagirl2727**, hehehe, I LUVERZ the Pulling an Aragorn phrase! Can't believe some people don't understand it…(shakes head sadly). **EE's Skysong**, in the infamous words of Nelson: HA-HA! Sorry, just had to. If it makes you feel any better, last year, I didn't get out until June 15. Or something like that. I knew everyone would like Bourbon Land! Go watch **Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle**! Well, if you're allowed to watch R rated movies. And you're mature enough to realize that it is a stupidfunny movie stereotyping stoners and minorities, particularly Asians, more particularly Chinese and Indians, and is not meant to be taken seriously. It's from the people who made **Dude, Where's My Car?** for Piotr's sake! **PyroManaic**, my Shrek parody's gonna be called Redneck Shrek because it's going to be a RAHM, with Sam as Shrek. And Bobby as Donkey. And Scott as Lord Farquaad. And Rahne as Fiona, obviously. The dragon in HP4…is hard to describe. I never was good at describing any sort of dragon, except as very scaly. Anyway, I decided to take some pics of the trailer for ya! Go to my profile, the links should be up there. But since I just put them up, it probably won't be up until later. Sowwies! Check back soon!

And now, I must actually get on with the chappie.

DISCLAIMER: "Uncle Shelly, I'm watching cartoons. Why is Hercules wearing a tank top and a skirt?"

* * *

"And that's a wrap!" Forge yelled. 

Rogue shoved Remy away. "Ha! Ah won tha bet, Swamp Rat," she said.

"Remy don' t'ink John's goin' to like dis," Remy said.

"Whatcha mean, mate?" Pyro asked, walking up to them.

"John was in on it tha whole tahme," Rogue said. "Yah didn' know?"

Remy glared at John. "Obviously."

"So is that what, like, happened his flashback or whatever?" Kitty asked.

"Uh…" John said, thinking for a second…or two…or 78.

**!FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Remy LeBeau sat straight up in bed. "_Mon Dieu_, what was dat?"

A minute later, Piotr opened the door and stuck his head in. "Comrade, do you think you can help me?" he said.

"Wit' what?" Remy asked.

Piotr walked in. "This."

Remy looked down. John was attached to Piotr's leg and mumbling incoherently. "What happened?" Remy asked John.

"I saw…a scary movie," John whispered.

"What? De Grudge?" Remy asked.

John shook his head.

"The Ring?" Piotr suggested.

Same response.

"Jeepers Creepers?"

"Psycho?"

"Y' were watchin' Disney Channel again, weren' y'?" Remy asked. "De one about de blondie goin' to Europe…and de best friend…and de really bad singin'?" (1)

John shook his head. "Worse," he whispered.

With difficulty, Piotr managed to pry John off him and carried him at arm's length into the living room, where the TV was on.

"…_Miraculously, no one was hurt. In fact, a disabled woman said to be trapped in the burning building was found several minutes later on a bench, supposedly rescued by an 'angel'. The firefighters were able to successfully put out the fire-" _(2)

Remy turned off the TV. "How many times do we have t' tell y'?" he said to John.

"If you watch the news, chances are there's going to be a fire," Piotr continued.

John brightened.

"Destroyed," Piotr finished.

John sniffled. "Murderers," he whimpered.

**!END FLASHBACK!**

"Okay, that was the completely **wrong** flashback," Jubes said, walking in with a box of Nerds.

John's eyes narrowed. "Where'd you get those?"

"…Internet." (3)

"Okay, then," John said happily. "But that flashback's not as important."

"Aw, but I wanna, like, see it!" Kitty pouted.

"That pout only works on total suckers," John said.

"Aw, come on, she's doin' De Pout!" Remy said. "…Hey!"

**!THE _REAL_ FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!**

…And they formally shook on it.

John tiptoed away from the door, then ran down the hall, cackling madly. "So there's a bet, eh?" he said. "And Remy's getting **my** stuff? …Who exactly am I talking to?"

The door slammed open, and Bobby stumbled in, sucking on a Cherry Popsicle. Well, he more like fell in. "Oops, guess this isn't Ray's room after all!" he said, somewhat slurred.

"Yeah, the sign on the door is sort of a hint," John said.

"There's a sign?" Bobby asked. He walked outside and looked on the door. Sure enough, on the door it said: REMY, JOHN, & PIOTR'S ROOM in Piotr's neat handwriting. Right underneath that it said: LOGAN, PLEASE DON' HURT US. REMEMBER, DE REALLY BIG RUSSIAN WHO'S HELPFUL WIT' DE KIDS LIVES HERE.

"Why does Remy write in his accent?" Bobby asked out loud.

"Keep reading," John said.

BOBBY, REMY KNEW Y'D ASK DAT QUESTION.

"…O-kay, then," Bobby said. He then tripped over thin air. "Whoa!"

"Uh, Bobby, where'd you get that Popsicle?" John asked.

"Tabby gave it to me," Bobby said. "Why?"

**!FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK – WEIRD, ISN'T IT!**

"Here, Tabby, have a Popsicle," Remy said, giving Tabby a Cherry Popsicle.

Tabby sniffed at it. "You spiked it, didn't you?"

"Remy's secret recipe," Remy said, winked, and walked off, his trench coat billowing out behind him.

"…It's really freaky how it does that when there isn't any wind," Tabby said. Then Bobby walked by. "Hey, Bobby! Want a Popsicle?"

**!END OF FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK! THE ORIGINAL FLASHBACK IS STILL GOING ON! WEIRD, ISN'T IT!**

"No reason," John said.

"Okay, whatever," Bobby said, and stumbled out of the room and down the hall.

John resumed his plotting. "So Remy wants to bet **my** Pixie Stix and **my **Mountain Dew? Without even asking me?" He sniffed. "I'm insulted! Wait a sec…"

**!FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK YET AGAIN!**

"Hey, mate!" John said cheerfully, walking up to a rather mopey Remy. "What's the matter?"

"Rogue hates Remy," Remy said.

"No she doesn't!" John said. "She just very intensely dislikes you."

"Dat's not really very helpful," Remy said.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better," John said. "I give you full permission to use my secret stash of Pixie Stix and/or Mountain Due as stakes in any bet."

"…T'anks," Remy said.

"That's what friends are for!" John said cheerfully.

"SWAMP RAT!"

Remy winced.

"Uh, see ya!" John said, and got going while the going was good.

**!END OF FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK YET AGAIN!**

"Oh, yeah!" John said. "It's all good, then. Plus, I need a place for my–" Sam crashed through a wall in the room next to John's, blocking out John's next words. Pity. "Just a tic! I have an idea! I'm going to-" Sam crashed through the **other** wall. "Time to find Rogue! AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHA – (hack choke cough wheeze)!" And he walked out of the room.

**!END OF THE _REAL_ FLASHBACK TO…A SOMEWHAT LONG TIME AGO!**

"Is anyone else's head spinning?" Jubes asked.

"Nope!" Kitty said. "Wait, but weren't there, like, **two** flashbacks with evil laughter?"

"Oh yeah," John and Rogue said in unison.

"I smell a conspiracy!" Rahne said, sticking her finger in the air. "No, wait…it's Scott's cologne." She grabbed her throat dramatically and gasped for air. "Drakkar Noir will kill me!" (4)

"Ew, I, like, smell it, too!" Kitty said, wrinkling her nose.

"Actually, that was me," John said, raising his hand. "SBD!"

"Someone open a window!" Jubes said.

There was a somewhat muffled "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Then Sam came crashing through the wall.

"That works, too!" Jubes said.

Sam stood up. "Whah are y'all in Scott's room?" he asked. "And IS THAT A SPILLED BOTTLE OF SCOTT'S COLOGNE?" He pointed at, well, a spilled bottle of Scott's cologne.

"Why, it is!" Tabby said, feigning surprise. "Sam, you must be psychic."

Bobby walked in. "Ugh, what's that smell?" he gasped. He ran out and came running back in 15 seconds later. "Lysol to the rescue!" He sprayed it all around the room.

Remy screamed. "Y' just sprayed Lysol in Remy's eyes!" (5)

Bobby stopped his spray frenzy. "Oops."

"Oh my gosh, your eyes turned totally red!" Jubes yelled.

"DEY'RE ALWAYS RED!" Remy yelled.

"I know!" Jubes said. "I just felt like being unhelpful."

Remy ran out of the room to wash his eyes out.

"So…" John said. "What do we do while we wait for him to come back?"

"Plan outfits!" Kitty said with an EEEEVIL grin, pulling out a notebook and a pen.

"We only need 7," Rogue said.

Kitty thought for a moment. Then a lightbulb lit up over her head.

Literally. Ray walked in with a lightbulb in his mouth.

Everyone stared at him. "Jamie asked me to do it," Ray said, taking it out of his mouth.

Jamie came running in. "Do it again! Do it again!"

"I already did it ten times!" Ray said.

Jamie did The Pout.

Ray glanced at the others for help, then sighed and stuck the lightbulb in his mouth again.

"And as a bonus, it prevents him from talking!" Jubes said. Ray threw the lightbulb at her. She ducked, and it knocked over a picture of Scott and Jean, smashing the picture frame.

"Oh well," everyone said.

"Back to my idea!" Kitty said. She whispered something in Rogue's ear, and Rogue got up and left.

Before anyone could even exchange clueless glances, she was back, and held up two fingers. "YES!" Kitty yelled.

"What?" John asked.

"Instead of having, like, a fashion week, Remy agreed to, like, have a fashion show!" Kitty exclaimed.

"How is that going to work unless he changes really, really fast?" Bobby asked.

"Forge'll come up with something," Kitty said confidently.

"Whah do yah have so much faith in a guy that messes up so much?" Sam asked.

"It was ONE SCHOOL DANCE!" Forge yelled, sticking his head in. "Oh, and here's a new toy for Jamie. Happy…Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day." He tossed Jamie a gun.

"Hey, that looks like the Point of View gun!" (6) Bobby said. "What's it do?"

Jamie shrugged.

"Lemme see!" Bobby grabbed it and shot it at Ray.

"What the heck was that for?" Ray said. He held up a fist to slam it into Bobby's face. His fist froze midpunch.

Literally. It was like an ice-fist or something.

"COOL!" Bobby said. "Literally!"

"Now that was stupid," Ray said.

Kitty grabbed the gun from Bobby. "So does this thing, like, switch your powers or something?" she asked.

Bobby froze another one of Scott's pictures of Jean. "Nope," he said. "I still have mine." He dropped the picture, and it shattered.

"So it, like, **gives** the person you aim it at your powers?" Kitty said. "But you still keep your powers?"

Forge popped his head in again. "Exactly!" he said. And he left.

"So, how do you, like, change it back?" Kitty asked.

Bobby grabbed the gun and shot it at Ray again. "Did it work?" he asked.

Jamie handed Ray the lightbulb. Ray sighed and stuck it in his mouth…and it lit up!

"Wow, we figured that out fast," Jubes said. Then she grabbed the gun and shot it at Tabby.

"Hey, that's **my** Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day present!" Jamie yelled. "Go find your own!"

"Please, Multiple!" Jubes said. "Can' y' see I'm a leetell bizzy here?"

"Yah're mockin' meh, aren't yah?" Sam said. (7)

"…Riiiiiiiiiiight," Jubes said, but she shot Tabby again and gave it back to Jamie.

Then Remy walked in, and a lightbulb went off over Jamie's head!

"Thanks, Ray!" Jamie said. Ray put down the lightbulb. And Jamie shot Remy!

"What de – what did he just do?" Remy said. Rogue responded by punching him. Hard.

Two seconds later, they were looking at 5 Remys, all with shocked looks on their faces.

"I told you Forge would, like, come up with something!" Kitty said. "Oh, yeah, so, like, what **did** happen during that second flashback?"

**!FLASHBACK TO THAT ONE LATER!**

"Psst! Sheila!" Pyro called.

Rogue walked over to where Pyro was sitting on one of the wheels. "Whaddya want?"

"I heard about you and Remy's little bet," Pyro said.

"Yah did?" Rogue asked.

Pyro nodded happily.

"And…yah're okay with it?" Rogue said.

"Yep!" Pyro said, nodding again. "It'd be worth it to see Kitty pick out Remy's clothes. And I need a place to put my Nerd Pit, anyway."

"And tha Mountain Dew?"

"Sprite is the new Mountain Dew, sheila," Pyro said. "And Thirst is cool! Show 'em my motto!"

"…Nevah do that again," Rogue said.

"Okay," Pyro agreed. "So anyway, I want you to win the bet. And knowing Remy, he's going to try to flirt with you or do something to drive you up the wall, making him win the bet and going out on several dates with you, and who knows, you could slip on some ice and get knocked out and wake up the next morning in his bed in lingerie and with no idea of what happened the night before."

Rogue blinked.

Pyro took that as an encouragement and went on to explain his EVIL SCHEME MUWAHAHAHA! "So my plan is to use reverse psychology on him! I'm going to try to split you two up so it looks like I'm helping Remy, when in reality you'll both be too busy dealing with me for him to try to flirt with you or anything!"

Rogue blinked again. "This is what yah were comin' up with in that one flashback, huh?"

"Yep!" Pyro nodded.

"And yah came up with this all by yahself?" she asked.

"Yep!" Pyro said proudly, nodding again.

"Wow," Rogue said. "And yah're okay with all this?"

"Yep!" Pyro said cheerfully.

"Okay, then."

**!END FLASHBACK TO THAT ONE LATER!**

"Ohhh," Jubes said. "So you used reverse psychology."

"That makes sense," Tabby said. "I think."

"Well, now that that's, like, all cleared up," Kitty said. "We now have to plan Remy's fashion show!"

All 5 Remys blinked. Jamie grabbed the gun and shot Remy, and 4 of the Remys disappeared. "Begone!" Kitty yelled to Remy, who blinked, but left.

Kitty grabbed a Random Flashlight and turned it on, putting it under her face. "And now we must plan…Remy's Fashion Show!"

Tabby reached over and turned off the flashlight. "It kinda works better if it's not 2 in the afternoon," she said.

"Less talking, more planning!" Kitty said.

"Um…Ah feel really uncomfortable talkin' about this, so, Ah'm just gonna go," Sam said, getting up.

"SIT!" Kitty yelled.

Sam sat.

Kurt bamfed in. "Good boy!" And he handed him a Scooby Snack.

"Ooh!" John said. "I have a GREAT idea for an outfit!"

"Does it involve fire?" Kitty asked.

"…No," John said after a pause.

"Does it involve gasoline?" Rogue asked.

John hung his head. "Never mind."

"Two words," Bobby said. "Drag queen…material."

"…That was three words," Kitty said.

**The Next Day…**

Logan, Scott, Jean, Ororo, and Hank were worried. Why? Because they were currently in the living room, sitting in the front row of a ton of chairs.

In front of a runway.

Actually, only Hank was worried, because he was in on what was going on.

**!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY!**

Hank was in a good mood. All he wanted to do was train for a little in the Danger Room, take a shower, and go read a nice book. He opened the door to the Danger Room…

And saw a very weird sight.

Remy was standing in the middle of the Danger Room with his hands in the air. Surrounding him were Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po, each brandishing various weapons. Po was holding Forge's Red Lethal-Looking…Thing (Oh no! Not another Lethal-Looking…Thing!), La-La was holding Jamie's Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day present, and Dipsy was holding the Bourbon Land bazooka. (8)

Needless to say, Remy was scared. Tinky Winky approached, and he pulled out of his purse…a G-string!

"Okay, Remy," Kitty's voice said over the intercom thingie. "Go into that dark, enclosed room and put on the G-string." Tinky Winky pointed at a tiny room that would've scared Ororo to death.

"Remy will wear de pink," Remy said. "Remy will wear de pleather. But Remy will not wear **dat**!" he yelled, pointing at the G-string.

"Oh, come on," Kitty said. "It's made for men."

"…How'd y' get dat?" Remy asked.

"Bobby asked around in a drag queen chatroom," Kitty said.

"Oh," Remy said.

"And if Bobby went through the trouble of posing as a fresh-out-of-the-closet drag queen debutant, then you can at least suffer to put that on!" Kitty said.

"Bobby did all dat **willin'ly**?" Remy asked.

"Well, we had to hold him at BLLT-point," Kitty admitted.

Tinky Winky grabbed Jamie's SaCoLiRED (pronounced Sa-call-ee-red) present from Dipsy and aimed it at Remy.

"Remy'll wear it! Just don' shoot him!" Remy said frantically. He grabbed the G-string from Tinky Winky and ran into the room.

Rogue walked into the Control Room. "Kitty, what are yah doin'?" she asked. Then she saw the Teletubbies. "Oh dear Lord," she gasped.

"Rogue!" Kitty said. "Just the girl I was looking for!"

"No, yah weren'," Rogue said.

"Well, I was about to," Kitty said. "I'm getting Remy to model some…stuff."

"Where is he?" Rogue asked.

Kitty glanced down into the Danger Room. "Coming out of the closet," she said.

Rogue winced. "Please, stop with the puns," she said.

Kitty hid behind Rogue. "I am not looking at Remy, I swear!" she said.

Rogue looked down at Remy. "Nice," she said.

"_Merci_," Remy said. "Can Remy go now?"

"No," Kitty said. "Try on one of the bras in the closet. But, uh, change into some pants or something before you come out."

"Why does Remy have t' wear a bra?"

"Well, you can't exactly stuff a shirt!" Kitty said.

Remy grumbled, but went back into the closet. When he came back out, he was wearing pants and a black, extremely lacy bra.

"That's a nice fit!" Kitty said.

"What size is that?" Rogue asked her.

"I think the ones I stuck in there are all D's," Kitty said.

"Ah love irony," Rogue said.

"Yep," Kitty said. "Too bad he didn't get a better grade on DDR." (9)

Hank finally decided to speak up. "What are you kids doing?" he demanded.

"Oh, Remy's, like, putting on a fashion show for us tomorrow," Kitty said.

Hank nodded uneasily. "Indeed," he said. "I'll just leave this part of the subbasement alone until this is all over." And he turned and walked out without another word.

"Well, I guess we got the go-ahead from Mr. McCoy!" Kitty said cheerfully.

**!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY!**

Scott was too busy thinking about the destruction of his room…

**!FLASHBACK TO THIRTY SECONDS AGO!**

"Uh, sorry Scott, Sam, like, crashed into your room," Kitty said.

Scott squinted at the broken glass. "With several bottles of tequila?"

"Uh…"

"And bourbon?"

"Um…"

"And Cherry-flavored Popsicles?"

"Well, you see, um, those were, like, Remy's," Kitty said.

"And why was Gambit in my room?" Scott asked.

"Well, you see, we were having a…an intervention!" Kitty exclaimed, struck by a sudden idea.

"An intervention?" Scott repeated dubiously.

"Yeah!" Kitty said. "Sam saw Remy trying to sneak in all the drinks, so he grabbed him and blasted off. Only his aim wasn't the best, so he sort of crashed into your room."

"Okay…"

"And so we all decided to have an intervention to get Remy to quit drinking," Kitty continued.

"With Pyro?" Scott asked, glancing at the scorch marks all over the walls.

"For moral support," Kitty said. "And we decided to keep it in your room because you're such a model citizen, and your room just says it all!"

"Oh," Scott said with a grin. "I understand." And he walked off.

Tabby walked up to Kitty. "Wow," she said. "He really **is** as stupid as he looks."

**!END FLASHBACK TO THIRTY SECONDS AGO!**

…Yeah, so Scott was thinking about that. Jean was under the impression that the stage was set up for some sort of awards ceremony (which she would win the awards for, of course! She's perfect!) and was busy trying to come up with an acceptance speech that sounded grateful and well-planned, but still impromptu.

Logan also knew what the kids were up to. But he wasn't worried.

Well, not as much as Hank.

**!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, AGAIN!**

Since Hank had told Logan that he had decided to skip his session that day, Logan decided to train in the Danger Room instead. He opened up the doors about half an hour after Hank had…

And saw a vaguely disturbing sight.

Remy was in a black Speedo.

Only a black Speedo.

(Drool………)

That wasn't the worst part.

He was sprawled on the floor, with Rahne sitting on one arm, Amara sitting on the other, Tabby and Jubes sitting on each leg, and Kitty sitting on his chest.

And that wasn't the worst part.

Kitty had duct-taped his mouth shut.

That still wasn't the worst part.

Rogue had Jean's leg wax, and had just put a strip on Remy's leg.

Logan **thought** that was the worst part.

Then Rogue ripped it off.

If Remy's scream hadn't been muffled, it probably would've scared the crap out of everyone in the mansion.

But since it had, all it did was hurt Logan's sensitive hearing.

All seven head snapped up when they heard the thud of Logan slamming against the door. "Oh, hi, Mr. Logan!" Kitty said.

Remy screamed as Rogue ripped another strip off Remy's leg.

Logan turned and left without saying a word.

**!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, AGAIN!**

So he was downing as much beer as he could, before Jean noticed and tried to stage an intervention or embark on some lecture.

Or before he saw something that would cause him to puke it all back up.

Oh, and Ororo had seen something somewhat similar to Logan's. However, she took it a lot better than he had.

**!FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, YET AGAIN!**

Several hours after Logan had come up from the subbasement, grabbed a six-pack of beer, and disappeared up to his room, Ororo had finally noticed that Kitty, Rogue, Remy, and half of the New Recruits were missing. After wasting 15 minutes searching the mansion, she asked the Prof, who, after mentally searching for them, said nothing more than a strangled "Danger Room."

So Ororo went down to the Danger Room and opened the doors.

Remy was tied to a chair, his mouth still duct-taped, his legs, arms, and stomach newly waxed; with Rahne, Amara, Jubes, and Tabby standing guard over him with various weapons. Rahne was holding the Bourbon Land Bazooka, Amara was holding the RLLT, Jubes was holding Jamie's SaCoLiRED present, and Tabby was holding Tinky Winky's purse.

And that wasn't the worst part.

Wow, I love using that phrase.

Kitty was holding Remy's head still while Rogue held a gun that looked like the one she had in X Mulan to Remy's left ear. "Hold still, Ah know what Ah'm doin'!" she said.

Remy said a muffled, "Yeah, right!"

"Ah do!" Rogue said. "Ah pierced Bobby and Robbie's ears. And…" Rogue mumbled something.

"What?" Remy asked, still muffledly.

"She lost a bet to me," Kitty said.

"Really? What was the bet?" Amara asked.

"That she could beat Jamie at DDR," Kitty said.

"What'd Jamie get?" Jubes asked.

"A AA," Kitty said.

"And Rogue got…?" Tabby said.

"A C," Kitty said.

"Oh," Tabby said. "Well, at least she didn't get a D."

Remy said a muffled, "Shut up!"

"So, what'd she have to do?" Amara asked.

"Oh, she had to work at Claire's for a week," Kitty said.

"Ooh, harsh," Jubes said.

Kitty shrugged. "She was the ear-piercing person. I was her assistant so I made sure she didn't run for it."

"See?" Rogue said. "Ah **do** know what Ah'm doin'."

"But-"

Too late. Rogue pulled the trigger.

Again, if Remy hadn't been muffled, all seven girls (including Ororo) would've gone deaf. As it was, the youngest six just laughed. Rogue pierced his other ear, with the same reactions. Then she ripped the duct tape off his mouth.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Remy yelled.

Ororo finally spoke up. "What are you children doing?" she asked.

"We just pierced Remy's ears," Kitty said, showing Ororo the silver ankhs that were now hanging from his ears. (10)

"Yes, I know," Ororo said. "What I mean is, why aren't you piercing his belly button, too?"

There was a pause.

Then Remy nearly started crying.

"Ororo, you're a genius!" Jubes said.

Ororo smiled and left. She hadn't gotten ten feet away from the Danger Room doors before she heard Remy's scream.

**!END FLASHBACK TO YESTERDAY, YET AGAIN!**

…Yeah, she had a teeny little Diet Coke of Evil stint there. Just a little one.

You'll notice that the Prof isn't there. Well, duh, he **is** psychic!

**!FLASHBACK TO THAT MORNING!**

'X-Men!' Xavier telepathically shouted to all the X-Men. 'Meet me in the living room in ten minutes.'

"Um, Professor?" Kitty asked timidly.

"Yes?" Xavier asked, opening his eyes.

"You're in the living room," Kitty said. "Everyone's been watching Shrek for the past half hour."

"Ah," Xavier said. "Well, then, I should get on with my announcement." He paused dramatically. "Juggernaut has escaped from prison!"

Everyone gasped.

"Well, not really," Xavier admitted. "But the security **is** starting to fail."

"You mean like that one time when Kitty and Kurt and Evan and Rogue locked Jean and Scott out of the mansion and threw that one party and it turned out Mystique planned the whole thing so she could blow the place up in an attempt to kill Bobby and Ray and Robbie and Sam and Rahne and Amara and Jubes and Jamie?" Tabby asked.

"Yes, precisely," Xavier said. "But this one wasn't planned by Mystique."

"But how do you know?" Evan asked.

"Well, I **am** psychic," Xavier said.

"But didn't you say that one time that-" Jean started.

Xavier cut her off. "That is why I'll be going **alone**. And if it does turn out to be planned by Mystique or someone like that, you'll know where I'm being held captive." He picked up a briefcase and started to wheel off.

"Professor?" Kitty asked. "Why are you talking a briefcase with you?"

"To carry the tools that I need to fix the security," Xavier said. And he started wheeling off again. 'Yeah, the security at Club Med,' he thought.

"Um, Professor?" Kitty said. "You just projected that thought."

'…No I didn't.'

"No you didn't," Everyone chorused very zombie-esquely.

"Good little minions – I mean, mutants," Xavier said, and wheeled off.

"Okay, did **anyone** else notice the Hawaiian-print sleeve that was sticking out of the briefcase?" Jamie asked.

Everyone blinked at him.

Jean pressed the play button on the remote and ruffled Jamie's hair. "Oh, Jamie. You and your imagination."

"No one **ever** listens to me," Jamie grumbled.

Bobby turned around. "Did you say something?" he asked.

Jamie rolled his eyes.

**!END FLASHBACK TO THAT MORNING!**

All the X-Kids ran into the room, loaded with Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew. Well, except John, who was loaded with Nerds and Sprite. Evan was setting up his video camera, and all the kids were snickering eeevily. Hm, Remy and Kitty are conspicuously absent…

Kitty phased through the curtains. "Thanks for waiting!" she said. "And now, I am pleased to present the Remy LeBeau Fashion Show!"

"The WHAT?" Scott and Jean gasped.

"That's right!" Kitty said. "Remy has graciously agreed to put on a fashion show for us!"

The curtains opened to reveal Remy dressed in pink and leather. He had glittery pink eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, hot pink blush, cotton candy pink lips, and pink heart stud earrings. He had a pink leather jacket over a pink spaghetti strap tank top that showed off his newly waxed belly button with a pink jewel in it. He also had a pink leather miniskirt on, with a white leather belt with a pink heart as the clasp. And, to finish it off, he had pink leather lace-up knee-high platform boots.

"This is Remy's 'Think Pink' outfit, inspired by Barbie!" Kitty said as Remy sashayed down the runway (having been taught that the day before by Rogue and Kitty). "It was designed by yours truly, and every clothing and accessory came from the closet of Miss Jean Grey!"

Scott whipped his head around to stare at Jean so fast that his neck made a nasty cracking noise.

Jean went red. "No, it's not!"

"It's not yours?" Bobby asked. "Cool, cuz Frank from the DQ chatroom wanted to borrow that outfit."

"Well, don't ask me," Jean said with a nervous laugh, "Because it's not mine!"

"Riiiiight," John said.

Remy posed at the end for Rogue (who was snapping away with her digital camera; Jubes, Tabby, Amara, and Rahne were doing the same on both sides of the runway), and sashayed back behind the curtains.

Now, if I did this for every outfit that Remy wore, this could go on for pages and pages and pages and…well, you get the idea. But some of my favorites included:

"Remy's Playboy Bunny outfit, designed by Tabby!" Black leather tube top (with that fuzzy stuff lining the top), black leather shorts that showed the bottom of his ass (complete with a fuzzy bunny tail), fishnets, and strappy black sandals. And, of course, the fuzzy ears!

"Remy's Sailor Moon outfit, designed by Jubes!" Well, you should know what Sailor Moon dresses like. Now put that on Remy, and add REALLY long hair extensions made into two high side buns with the ends leading into REALLY long pony tails. And don't forget the heart-bangs cut. Okay, that's more than a little disturbing.

"Remy's Urban Cowgirl Outfit, designed by Rahne! With the hat and jacket from the closet of Miss Jean Grey!" Yeah, so Jean's hat and jacket from the ep Mutant Crush over a red bandana as a shirt (if anyone has seen **The New Guy**, Remy's bandana!shirt is like Danielle's in the bar scene with the bull and Estelle and the areñas negras), a jean (the denim, not the Miss Perfect) pleated skirt with a belt with a bull's head on the clasp, and, of course, cowboy boots! Complete with spurs!

"Remy's Schoolgirl Outfit, inspired by Britney Spears, designed by John!" White schoolgirl blouse with ¾ sleeves and the front end tied above the belly button (so Remy can show off the diamond stud in it), a blue and white plaid skirt, black schoolgirl shoes, white kneesocks, and hair extensions put in high pigtails tied with fuzzy white knockers.

"Remy's Angel Outfit, designed by Amara!" White halter top dress with a low-cut back going down to just above the knee, and white sandals. Oh, and a wreath of white daisies on his head. Hehe, that clashes so badly with his eyes.

"Remy's Devil Outfit, designed by Wanda!" Red tank top stopping above the belly button with an oval hole cut above the breasts (well, fake breasts for Remy), red pleather skin tight flares, red strappy shoes, and a red belt with a red forked tail tied on the back. Oh yeah, and a red headband with devil horns, and earrings with the number "6" on them. Along with a belly button ring with the number "6" on it, too. (11)

As for the last one, it's simply too funny (or drool-worthy…or mind-scarring…or both) to summarize.

"And last, but definitely not least," Kitty announced, "Remy's Gothic Outfit, featuring the REAL Remy Lebeau, and designed by The Rogue!"

Remy stepped through the curtains wearing a black corset that laced up in the front, black elbow-length fingerless fishnet gloves, a long black skirt that went down to the floor, and black strappy stilettos. Oh, and those ankh earrings that Rogue had pierced his ears with.

Compared to some of the stuff that his multiples had had to wear, it seemed like Remy had it pretty good.

Which didn't make any sense.

Especially since Rogue had a Mother-of-All-Evil smirk on her face.

Unfortunately, only Bobby noticed this smirk, since he was sitting right next to her.

So, despite the fact that he was wearing stilettos, Remy walked out onto the runway pretty gracefully.

With the spotlight shining on him.

Did I mention that Remy's skirt is made out of chiffon? Really sheer, filmy, just about transparent chiffon?

Now, since it's black, in normal light, it's fine. But with a spotlight…well…

Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne all stared at Remy with their mouths wide open (in case you don't remember, they're right next to the catwalk, like as mock paparazzi or something). Well, until Rogue gave them a Look. Then they started snapping away.

Just about all of the guys either a) turned away, b) fell out of their chairs, or c) did both.

Well, except John, who was laughing like an insane pyromaniac…oh wait, that's because he is one.

Kitty was standing with a shocked expression similar to the one that had been on Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne's face. However, Remy had his back to her and didn't notice.

Rogue, of course, still had that Mother-of-All-Evil smirk on her face, and was taking pictures like there was no tomorrow.

Remy thought that this was because Rogue had designed the dress, and he was right.

Partially.

**A Few Days Later…**

Remy was extremely grateful that the bet was over. He actually felt pretty good about what he had had to do. Well, sure, he now had pierced ears (he had hoped that they would close up after Wanda took her earrings back, but alas, she replaced them with some of Pietro's) and a pierced belly button (ditto the ears, but Ray generously gave him an extra earring to use), but all in all, he had gotten away relatively unscathed. And the best part was, it was totally over.

Or so he thought. Evan had videotaped the entire thing, and Kitty – with the help of Webber – made a DVD out of it. The DVD included the entire fashion show; a scene selection where you could pick which outfit you wanted to see; a Behind The Scenes featurette with footage from the Danger Room (the Teletubbies, body waxing, body piercing – that stuff, not to mention Kitty invading the changing room armed with a video camera on a search for "The Real Remy LeBeau") and interviews with Rogue, Kitty, Tabby, Jubes, Amara, Wanda, Rahne, John, and, of course, Remy; pictures from the show that had been taken by Rogue, Tabby, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne; and a music video featuring clips from the show to the song "I'm Too Sexy."

And Kitty was currently burning DVDs for everyone who wanted one while Bobby mailed off Jean's "pink suit" to Frank from the DQ chatroom.

Despite the fact that in a few minutes, everyone would be able to laugh at him waltzing down the runway, Remy still thought he hadn't had to do anything TOO humiliating.

Riiiiiiiiight.

Right then Kitty came running out of the elevator to the subbasement with a stack of DVDs in her hand. "All done!" she said.

"Where were y'?" Remy asked.

"Cerebro with the Prof," Kitty said.

"He let y' use Cerebro to burn all dose?" Remy said dubiously.

Kitty nodded. "In exchange for my promise that I wouldn't tell anyone his secret."

"What secret?" Rogue asked, walking up to them.

"I can't tell you guys that, then it wouldn't be a secret!" Kitty said. "Oh, and here's your DVD, Rogue," she added, handing Rogue a DVD.

"Mahne's is…" Rogue began.

Kitty nodded. "Director's Cut," she said. "Only yours and the master copy."

Rogue grinned. "Excellent."

Remy got a little worried. "Y' sounded a lot like Mr. Burns dere," he said nervously.

They walked into the living room, and Rogue popped the DVD in. "Remy, let meh ask yah somethang," she said. "What exactly did yah wear underneath yoah skirt?"

Remy shifted uncomfortably. "Well, dere was a slight shortage of t'ongs," he said, shooting a glare at Kitty.

Kitty giggled. "Oops. I thought there was an extra, so I gave it to Bobby to give to Frank. All his multiples ganged up on him and stole all the others before he could get to them," she added to Rogue.

"So yah're sayin' yah…" Rogue said.

Remy nodded sheepishly. "Remy went commando."

Rogue went to the Scene Selection and clicked on the last outfit. "Well, Sugah, there's somethang Ah need ta show yah."

Remy's jaw dropped as he watched the TV him walk down the runway. Then he turned to Rogue. "Y' planned dat, didn' y'?"

"Ah didn't expect yah to hit all those slutty poses," Rogue said. "But isn't it just so comforting ta know that yah've scarred the minds of every male who lives here?"

"At least not de Prof," Remy said.

"Actually," Kitty said. "He made the mistake of watching the original master copy of the DVD."

"…Now dat is just disturbin'," Remy said.

"Yoah fault for not wearing anythang," Rogue said.

"At least now de parody's over," Remy said.

"DOAN SAY THAT!" Sam yelled. He turned and saw Forge running toward him. "Oh, crap." He ran for it.

Bobby walked into the room, narrowly avoiding getting trampled by Forge. "I, for one, agree with Sam."

"Why?" Ray asked, walking in and drinking a glass of milk.

Evan ran in and snatched it from him. "That's MY moo-juice, biyatch!" he yelled, and ran away.

Ray, Rogue, Remy, Bobby, and Kitty all blinked.

Then Bobby heaved a sigh. "Now I have to be an ass," he said. "That's just depressing."

"No, you know what's **really** depressing?" Ray said. "That in **Shrek 3**, Shrek is going to find a replacement to be king. And that boy is Artie!"

Bobby blinked.

"AKA King Arthur!" Ray said.

"Ohhhhh," Bobby said. "That's not so bad."

"I wasn't finished," Ray snapped. "Played by Justin Timberlake!" (12)

Bobby screamed like a Pietro while the theme from Psycho played.

"Oh, get over it," Remy said. "It's not dat bad."

"How do **you** know?" Ray said. "For all we know, you might have to be the one who plays him when The Authoress parodies the movie."

"How do y' know dat y' won' be playin' him?" Remy asked.

"Because Puss in Boots is in Shrek 3," Ray said. "But I still don't get why **I'm** him, and not Robbie or…Evan or someone."

"Because The Authoress is truly weird like that," Kurt said, bamfing in. "And while Robbie would make more sense because of Antonio and all, he's going to be Prince Charming. And The Authoress loves Puss in Boots, and she doesn't really like Evan, so…yeah. Plus, your hair's the same color as Puss in Boots's fur."

Forge came running in. "Have you seen Sam anywhere?" he asked.

"No," Everyone said. "Why?"

Forge sighed and leaned against the wall. "Because I'm pretty much The Director for all of The Authoress's parodies, and I need to find Sam so I can turn him into an ogre."

"Ah," Ray said.

"Good luck wit' dat," Remy said, and they all watched the music video on Rogue's DVD.

Forge glared and stalked off. "I ruin **one** school dance…" he muttered.

* * *

(1) – The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I had to watch it with my cousins once. Ugh. (shudders) 

(2) – Ahem. If I must…the ep On Angel's Wings.

(3) – Honestly, if you don't know where that's from by now…you're pathetic.

(4) – My mom's fiancé wears **way** too much of that stuff.

(5) – My little cousin did that to my even littler cousin when she was 3 (the littler cousin, not the little cousin). It took her five whole seconds before she started crying. Same thing happened the time my little cousin slammed the door on my littler cousin's fingers – 6 times in a row. And yes, both times, my little cousin said, "Oops."

(6) – From Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I haven't read the book, and I've only seen the last half hour of the movie while I was waiting for Star Wars 3 to start in the theater a few doors down. But I saw the bit about the Point of View gun! And now one of you will yet at me to a) read the book, b) watch the movie, or c) both.

(7) – Yes, they were mocking him. Those were some of Shrek and Robin Hood's lines. Which explains Jubes's REALLY WEIRD ACCENT.

(8) – Yes, the Bourbon Land bazooka is green. And, in case you don't know, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, and Tinky Winky are the Teletubbies. Remember those names, because if you're ever in a torture room and hear any of those, well, then, you know you're going to die.

(9) – In case you don't remember, in one of the flashbacks, Remy told Rogue about the time he lost to Jamie at DDR. Jamie got a AA, Remy got a D. Hence the size.

(10) – In case you don't know what an ankh is, it's like a cross, but it has a loop on the top. Like the earrings that Wanda wears.

(11) – You should know this, but 666 is the sign of the devil. Like how in the movie **Bedazzled** (hm, maybe I should parody that. As soon as I get that stupid plotbunny off my arm) Brendan Fraser typed in 666 in the calculator thingie. Fun fact: My uncle was almost born on June 6! His birthday would've been June 6, 1966, or 6–6-66, which I personally think would've been BEYOND COOL! But he was born on the 7th like, REALLY early in the morning.

(12) – Yes, Justin Timberlake. JT. The AfroMan of NSYNC (and seriously, WTF was up with that hair?). Playing King Arthur.

And th-th-th-that's all, folks! Now I must begin my work on Redneck Shrek. Oy. Well, it will hopefully be up by the next weekend. Hopefully. I'm not making any promises. And if anyone's confused, my phrase "screaming like a Pietro" is the equivalent to "screaming like a girl." Yeah. Review, please! Thank you!


End file.
